About that Last Diet

On October 3, 2011 I wrote this post about my last diet. And by last I meant final. Because after more than two decades of trying to figure out this weight loss business, I honestly felt like I only had one attempt left in me.

As it happens to turn out (as with so many things I say) I was wrong.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s first step back and see how that so-called Last Diet went. As usual, we begin with a graph.

Weight loss graph

The first eleven weeks went quite well as you can see. The diet even survived Halloween and Thanksgiving, and by December 2, 2011 I had lost thirteen pounds. Not a lot, compared to some other diets I’ve had in the past. But as this was my last diet, I had decided to take the slow and steady route.

But there was one small problem. The Switch wasn’t on. I was certainly going through the motions, and getting some positive results, but deep down inside I knew The Switch hadn’t been flipped and this was bound to fail sooner or later. Like so:

Weight loss graph

The astute reader will notice that the first and last points along the X-axis share the same Y-value. In diet-speak that’s what we call “gaining it all back.”

My Next Last Diet

On February 13, 2012, disgusted, I decided to try just one more time. And this time, with a plan: gluten-free, dairy-free, and (hardest) artificial-sweetener-free (meaning: no diet soft drinks). Oh, and also: keep it under 2000 calories per day. I even decided to get serious about tracking food again. I logged into MyPlate and was greeted by:

MyPlate Widget

Why yes, I would love to add that widget to my site. I doubt that’s the kind of advertising MyPlate was hoping for when they implemented this feature, but who am I to question it?

Anyway, I started this new diet plan and it went extremely well. For one day. Because without thinking, I mistakenly began a diet the day before Valentine’s Day, and while dining with Laura that day, I accidentally broke a few of my rules. So I took the mulligan and restarted this last diet on February 15.

Time for another graph!

Weight loss graph

In the interest of speeding up this blog post, I won’t go into the details. Suffice it to say this was working and I rarely felt hungry. I logged what I ate every day and I most definitely felt like The Switch was on. Fer real. This was it.

The Unexpected Diet

Though this plan was going well, it still didn’t have quite the “oomph” I was looking for. Slow and steady no longer held the fascination over me that it once did. I wanted to kick this into high gear.

So after doing some more research, I found the most sure-fire diet imaginable. Here it is in a nutshell:

  1. Either via genetics or known carcinogens, get cancer.
  2. Begin treatments.
  3. Watch the fat melt away.
Please, as with all diets, check with your doctor first before beginning any new diet or exercise program. Back to the Fridge is not responsible for your health and well-being. Do not attempt this at home. Professional driver on a closed course. Offer void where prohibited.

Here’s something I learned while in the hospital for ten days. A semi-functioning liver coupled with 157 saline bags dripping into my IV coupled with no exercise can only lead to one thing: serious fluid retention. My weight graphs show a very large gap between April 3 and April 17, so I really have no idea what sort of ups and downs occurred while bedridden. All I know is that before I went in the hospital I was about 220 and my first at-home weigh in afterwards was 222.

Now, with everything going on with me, you’d think the last thing I’d be concerned with is my weight. But I had to admit I was a trifle disappointed by the two-pound gain. Until I realized it was the fluid retention. My first clue that I was retaining fluids at all was the balloonish nature of my feet, my giant, swollen ankles, and my legs which recalled sturdy, young oak trees. At first, I was afraid I hadn’t taken any pictures of this mess. But as I flipped through my camera, I managed to find one:

Fortunately, as my body began to heal, it also began to rid itself of the excess fluids. The day after I weighed in at 222, I was 211. Wait a sec. 211? Seriously? I stood there and blinked and weighed myself again. Still 211. “I lost eleven pounds in one day? Holy crap.”

The next day I weighed in at 205. “I lost six more pounds in one day? Double holy crap.”

The next day I weighed in at 201.5. By now my feet, ankles, and legs looked perfectly normal and I had lost a grand total of about twenty pounds in three days. (And based on official doctor visit weigh-ins, it was twenty-six pounds in four days.)

Can we see that last graph?

Weight loss graph

The astute reader will even notice I dipped into Onederland for a couple days. But, once the Universe realized that happened, it bumped me back up to 201, which is where I’ve been hovering ever since.

So that’s my diet update. While I’m not entirely thrilled with this whole Linoleum thing, I have to admit that, all else aside, this whole unexpected diet “success” was entertaining to watch unfold. I know I’m definitely in for some rough times ahead, and future weight changes might not be as fun to observe. But for now, I’ll take whatever enjoyable diversions I can get.

20 Responses to “About that Last Diet”

Charlie said
May 1, 2012 at 12:10 am

Oh, I almost forgot. Today is my weight tracking anniversary. My spreadsheet begins on May 1, 1990. How pathetic is that?

    Karen said
    May 3, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Not all too pathetic (your weigh-in from 1990) as I have one from 1987 (but I am two years older than you, so maybe we’re almost even!). I have all my Weight Watcher’s cards, and my personally created Excel and other spreadsheets. Does this diet thing run it the family? It must. I have a special event coming up on May 12th (10 days) and had every intention in January of losing 20 pounds before then. I don’t think I can achieve what you did in 3 days, but I’m trying. Praying for your healing and that there is little nausea. Keep up the good work. Smooches – KintaKaren

Michelle said
May 1, 2012 at 4:56 am

Charlie – I love the graphs especially the pictures behind the graphs. The unicorn and cat have made my day.

Thankfully you are keeping a sense of humor through all this.

Maybe your next book will be about beating the linoleum with laughter!!

Have a great day!!

Deb said
May 1, 2012 at 6:23 am

Well Happy Anniversary Chuck! Big doin’s going on with your body.

I am thinking the absence or presence of a little sucralose or gluten either one may not get quite the attention it would under other less preoccupying circumstances, but good on you for sticking to the plan.

A query:Is your switch flipped or no? I think mine is broken off but I’m at least stuck at a weight that is still within 8 pounds of target, so….. Excelsior!

Deb said
May 1, 2012 at 6:23 am

PS – why is it that your comments clock lives in another time zone? Just curious….

    Charlie said
    May 1, 2012 at 6:44 am

    This blog runs on a server in the mountain time zone, so it’s using the system (or more accurately, database) default time zone. Every once in a while I look into adjusting it, but then I think: no matter what I set it to, it’ll be wrong for 23/24ths of the world. I suppose I could set it to UTC, but in some ways that might be worse.

      Charlie said
      May 1, 2012 at 7:55 am

      Well, I at least changed it to central time, but as you can see, existing comments have been permanently stamped with MT. That’s a bit unfortunate. I’d hoped WordPress stored dates in UTC but then displayed them in whatever local time zone set at the configuration level.

      Anyway, it’s still wrong for 23/24ths of the world, but at least it agrees with my wall clock now.

yourprettiersister said
May 1, 2012 at 6:31 am

Happy Graph Anniversary!!! Ha!

Can I lose that much weight in 4 days please!

It’s funny when you mentioned that you shouldn’t be concerned about the number on the scale given all that was going on – but I’m pretty sure I would have thought the same thing!

I love you Charlie!

Biz said
May 1, 2012 at 6:47 am

I was actually telling Tony that I thought you’d get to onederland, but getting cancer wasn’t the best way to go about that!

And I love My Little Pony and the elephant picture – so funny!

Having dinner with Momma tonight – have a great day Charlie!

Love, your prettiest sister, Biz

Anna said
May 1, 2012 at 8:47 am

Not the ideal way to lose 20lbs, but hey, trust you to take the easy way out!!! lol

Kiddin, of course.

22 years of diet bliss! I think our lives are running in parallel, although I’m probably more like 1980!

Hey ho! Some of us are just born to diet! 😀

Keep smiling Charlie 🙂

Julie said
May 1, 2012 at 11:17 am

Can I have a pair of legs like that? You made me laugh Charlie.
Hope that you are doing okay. I remember coming into onederland with you. Still there but have gain a bit back. Gotta get back on the wagon.
Take care Charlie. Blessings!!

Hash brown Egg Cups « My Bizzy Kitchen said
May 1, 2012 at 3:25 pm

[…] and it’s the first time I’ve seen her since she’s been back from staying with my brother.  Charlie’s second round of chemo is this week.  My mom will probably stay home this month, my nephew is […]

Debbi Does Dinner Healthy said
May 2, 2012 at 7:18 am

So is that the title of your next book? The Linoleum Diet? 🙂

    Charlie said
    May 2, 2012 at 8:11 am

    I’ll call it, “How You Can Lose Twenty-Six Pounds in Four Days But Shouldn’t.” It’ll be a best-seller.

Suzie said
May 2, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Wow, that’s a lot of weight in 4 days…crazy that you could lose it like that! Keep smiling and keep laughing 🙂

Stoic said
May 2, 2012 at 8:31 pm

OMG! That cat is cracking me up!!!

brian h said
May 4, 2012 at 9:42 am

You made me laugh out loud unexprctedly s. everal times with this post. God bless you man. You are my hero right now. Brian

    Charlie said
    May 9, 2012 at 7:27 am

    Laughed unexpectedly? You’ve been here before, right?

Helen said
May 8, 2012 at 9:09 am

Once again you’ve managed to make lemonade out of… water? I say your humor is going to pull you through everything. Including this last diet!

Back to the Fridge » Return to Onederland said
August 11, 2014 at 8:55 pm

[…] it came up yet again last year, when even in the midst of chemotherapy treatments, I was still talking about weight […]

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Point of View

December 5th, 2011

Three blind men were walking through the jungle when they happened upon a vast, mysterious animal. The first man touched part of the animal and declared, “It appears we have encountered a giant snake!” The second man touched another part of the animal, and said, “It’s not a snake! Why, this is nothing more than […]

Read the full post | 10 Comments »

First Check In

November 7th, 2011

It’s Monday, November 7, 2011 and as promised, here is the first full update of My Last Diet‘s progress. If you recall from that post, fifty-seven days ago I finally made a decision: after doing this a long, long time, I decided to give this one (and only one) more shot. My reasoning? This is […]

Read the full post | 15 Comments »

My Last Diet

October 3rd, 2011

And I mean that not in the sense of “the diet just before this one” but as in “my final diet.” That’s right, kids: this is it. After one hundred and six Days One, I have decided that Attempt Number One Hundred and Seven is it. Really. For sure this time. “So what’s different about […]

Read the full post | 8 Comments »

Attempt 106, Week 6

August 22nd, 2011

Post Thumbnail Image

Life’s been a bit, shall we say, crazy lately. Long work hours, a new school year starting, and about seventy-two hours of History Channel programming to catch up on on the DVR. (Those programs aren’t going to watch themselves.) And as we all know nothing does a diet better than crazy time. Here’s the latest […]

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Attempt 106, Week 4

August 8th, 2011

Post Thumbnail Image

“Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love’s first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but […]

Read the full post | 9 Comments »

Attempt 106, Week 2

July 25th, 2011

It has been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. You may have heard that Einstein said that. Or Mark Twain. Or even Benjamin Franklin. Well, it wasn’t any of them. It was me. Because I can’t think of anyone else offhand who’s […]

Read the full post | 8 Comments »

This Time For Sure

July 18th, 2011

When I first had the idea for my Harry Potter series of posts, it sounded like a good idea. But little did I know when I began eight weeks ago that: It wouldn’t be as much fun to write as I thought. It went on for what felt like a year. It would cost me […]

Read the full post | 9 Comments »


May 2nd, 2011

It’s often said that it’s easier to identify the point at which something begins over the point at which it ends. Here are a few examples: Thanksgiving dinner. Your interest in basket weaving. The novelty of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. And, of course, the diet. Everybody knows exactly when a diet begins but […]

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Attempt 105, Week 8

April 25th, 2011

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the good news?” “The good news is there’s no bad news.” “Excellent! What’s the bad news?” “The bad news is: I lied.” Okay, okay. The good news is that once again, due to the law of averages, I’m down three tenths of a pound this […]

Read the full post | 5 Comments »

Attempt 105, Week 7

April 18th, 2011

This was the first week where I went the entire seven days without keeping the food log up to date. That’s usually a bad sign, and—sure enough—it was accompanied by my weight going from 217 to 218 to 219. Fortunately, I was able to turn it around before it went too far. I ended up […]

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Attempt 105, Week 6

April 11th, 2011

It was a mixed bag this week. First, I took a bag. Then I put a few good days in it. Then I put a few bad days in it. Then I lit it on fire and set it on my arch-enemy’s front porch. I feel better now. Actually, my real week can be summed […]

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Attempt 105, Week 5

April 4th, 2011

Time is a funny thing. All measurable signs point to time moving at a constant rate (at least at velocities well under the speed of light). Yet we don’t perceive it that way. As I look at the subject line of this post I think, “Week 5? That’s it? I feel like I’ve been at […]

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Attempt 105, Week 4

March 28th, 2011

The liquid fast last Monday went well until about eleven in the morning when I decided I wanted a banana. Then an apple. Then an entire box of Raisin Bran and twelve bagels. Okay, I made up those last two. The fast didn’t last but I did pretty much get back on track with the […]

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Attempt 105, Week 3

March 21st, 2011

Sorry for missing last week. Mostly because, as I’ve stated before, when a weight loss blogger stops blogging, the universe assumes something horrible has gone wrong. That’s not to say I didn’t have my moments. “Lots going on” usually translates to “don’t care what I’m eating anymore” and I only narrowly fended off a two-pound […]

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Attempt 105, Week 2?

March 17th, 2011

Hey kids! . . . Yeah, I’m still here and a few days behind on the Week 2 update. No worries! It doesn’t mean I’ve done fall off the wagon again. On the contrary, things are going along fine. Just a bit of a crazy week here, that’s all. In the meantime, please have a […]

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Attempt 105, Week 1

March 7th, 2011

Well, I’m now one week into the reboot. As with my post-holiday fix, I began the week with a bit of fasting of sorts. It goes like this: eat nothing at all until you get hungry, usually around twelve hours after waking up, and then eat fifteen thousand calories in a half hour. How can […]

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Let’s Get Rolling Again

March 2nd, 2011

Last time began with such promise. Of course, every time begins with such promise. That’s the greatest part about starting out. Nothing bad has happened to you yet. And you hope nothing will. Of course, seeing as how I am declaring this as Attempt Number 105, I obviously have a long and glorious history of […]

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Week 23: Time to Reboot

January 24th, 2011

This trip back to Onederland is sure taking a long time. It’s been a while since I did a week by week comparison against my previous trip, but I’m pretty sure I did not stay stuck in the 216-219 range for about four straight months. I’ve only got one chart this week since nothing really […]

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Week 21: How Full Is Your Glass?

January 10th, 2011

For anyone who’s ever worked his or her butt off only to . . . well, not actually work his or her butt off, you’ve probably come to resent, if not outright loathe, those who can drop weight quickly and effortlessly. If you find yourself in this category, you might want to quit reading right […]

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Weeks 19 & 20: The Christmas Mystery

January 5th, 2011

As die-hard Fridge readers may remember, during weeks 17 and 18, my weight each day came in at or lower than the day before. This was good. Well, except, of course, for the pesky glitch where the first day of each week began with a mysterious, overnight, two-pound gain, thus starting the entire cycle over […]

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Here’s An Idea

January 3rd, 2011

Hey, I just came up with a great idea! Let me know what you think of it. Another year has ended. We now find ourselves on the brink of a brand new one. Like standing on a beach staring out across a vast ocean: time now stretches out before us towards unknown shores. It fills […]

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Week 18: The Christmas Miracle

December 23rd, 2010

The most interesting thing about Week 18 is the same as the most interesting thing about Week 17: every day’s weight came in either at or below the previous day’s weight, making for yet another nice downward slope. Granted the weights each day are eerily similar, but I’m still okay with any slope that doesn’t […]

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Week 17: The Goods News Is…

December 15th, 2010

The most interesting thing about Week 17 is that every day’s weight came in either at or below the previous day’s weight, making for a nice (albeit gentle) downward slope: I’ll take that over the giant “spike to 219” any week. Not to mention, given the fact that we’re still in the holidays (you know, […]

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Week 16: More of the Same

December 7th, 2010

I seem to have settled into what’s apparently my final weight. This current level of caloric intake and exercise has me essentially stuck at 217. That’s down 16 from when I began in mid-August but down essentially zero since mid-October. I know the counter-argument by now: “But at least you haven’t gained it back!” Yes, […]

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Week 15: The First Test

December 1st, 2010

Is it really December already? I mean really? If so, then that must mean it’s time to start my Christmas shopping. For Christmas 2009, that is. I’m always way behind. In Onederland news I survived the first real test of the season–barely. Although I started the week at 217 and ended at 219, thanks to […]

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Week 14: Hanging in There

November 22nd, 2010

This week’s graph looks much better than last week’s: But the daily caloric intake is still higher than I’d like it to be. I’m down about a half pound this week but that’s in spite of my efforts, not because of them. And, as I mentioned last week, I’m still nervous about the upcoming holidays. […]

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The Other Week 13

November 19th, 2010

Welcome, once again, to my side-by-side comparison. This is where I take the current Week of this diet and compare it to the same Week of my last return to Onederland. The reasoning behind this is simple: what better way to motivate myself than with myself. After all, if I can do it, then I […]

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Week 13: Getting Worried

November 17th, 2010

It’s kicking in again. It’s that same old feeling where I feel like I need 3,000 calories a day and my body doesn’t care how many Almond Joys it takes to get there. The Switch isn’t quite off, but it sure feels like my finger is poised. This is typically the point where everyone says, […]

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The Other Week 12

November 12th, 2010

Welcome, once again, to my side-by-side comparison. This is where I take the current Week of this diet and compare it to the same Week of my last return to Onederland. The reasoning behind this is simple: what better way to motivate myself than with myself. After all, if I can do it, then I […]

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Week 12: Look Familiar?

November 8th, 2010

Okay. This is three weeks in a row now where I’ve started the week low, gone up for a few days, then come back down to where I started. In fact, last week was nearly identical to Week 11. Check this out: The week’s start and end points are identical to the prior week. The […]

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Week 11: Mirror Mirror

November 2nd, 2010

Well, this was interesting. Just like last week, I’m going to do a day by day, play by play. Let’s start with Sunday. As you can see by these two yellow dots, Week 11 began a full three pounds below Week 10’s starting point: I thought to myself, if this week follows last week’s pattern, […]

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The Other Week 10

October 27th, 2010

Original Post: Date: October 6, 2008 Title: Dodged a Bullet I’ve changed up the format slightly this week. I’ve moved the original post date into this block and in doing so realized I was leaving off the original post title. The side-by-side comparison now follows the original post. And I do like this particular post, […]

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Week 10: the Play by Play

October 25th, 2010

Okay, so remember last week when I was bragging about spending an entire week below 220? Well, apparently the evil weight loss demons got a hold of this information and decided to have some fun with me. It began on Sunday with a slight uptick to 219.5: That made me very nervous, considering a spent […]

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The Other Week 9

October 20th, 2010

The most fascinating part about this week’s comparison is that both times I’d lost fourteen pounds (or as they call it in England, a fortnight—ha ha, just a little obscure linguistic humor there—although I do like the idea of coining the term “fortpound”). Anyway, be sure to check out my amazing diet menu below. It’s […]

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Week 9: Feelin’ Fine

October 18th, 2010

Today’s entry will be short and sweet since I’m hot and heavy into writing writing at the moment and would really like to get back to that. There’s only so many hours in a day, right? So let’s take a look at the Week Nine graph: The good news is that not only did I […]

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The Other Week 8

October 13th, 2010

I actually really like this post. It’s fascinating to come back and read something I wrote nearly two years ago. It’s like someone else wrote it. Someone who, unlike me, can actually write good. Side by Side Comparison But first the charts! Check out this time’s Week 8 compared to last time’s Week 8. Caloric […]

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Week 8: Almost Two Months

October 11th, 2010

Two months from “now” always seems like a long time away. Can you imagine if you were given two whole months off from work, school, or whatever it is that keeps you busy against your will, and you could do whatever you wanted? You could conquer the world in two months. Or at least make […]

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The Other Week 7

October 6th, 2010

I’d like to revive a Back to the Fridge feature I started (and then abandoned) over the summer. I’m going to republish my original Return to Onederland posts. Each week of this Return will be followed by the same week of the previous Return. The idea is to help keep me on track and remind […]

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Week 7: Back on Track

October 4th, 2010

We entered October on Friday. I can almost see Halloweentown now way down the tracks. But I’m not worried. It’s not as if thirty-seven “fun sized” candy bars ever hurt anyone. Especially not for someone back on track this week. Check me out. No, really. Check me out: Those aren’t missing days on the graph. […]

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That’s the First Ten Again

September 28th, 2010

Today’s post is brought to you by the number ten and the letters Déjà and Vu. Hey, guess what? No, not “chicken butt.” Guess what! I have something to tell you. Go on, guess! No, I didn’t get an advance copy of the next Harry Potter movie. Try again. No, I didn’t win twenty million […]

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Week 6: Back to Reality

September 27th, 2010

I must admit it felt a little strange typing “Week 6” in today’s post title. In some ways it feels like I started this program last week. In other ways, it feels like it’s been two years. I’m not sure what to think of that. That aside, the most important part of the post title […]

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Week 5: At Last!

September 23rd, 2010

Sorry for the delay this week. Gots lots going on, that’s all. So, in light of that, let’s not waste a lot of time on mindless jibba jabba. Let’s get right to the graph: While the graph looks good, it wouldn’t be a true Charlie post if I didn’t spoil this silver lining with a […]

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Week 5: Film at Eleven

September 20th, 2010

Still on the road this morning and a bit out of sorts, so I don’t have this week’s results ready yet. Hopefully missing my regular Monday-morning update doesn’t create a rift in the space-time continuum. On the plus side, though, Biz gave a rather thorough run-through of the weekend. Week Five Starting Weight 233.0 Current […]

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That’s the First Ten

September 15th, 2010

Hey, guess what? No, not “chicken butt.” Guess what! I have something to tell you. Go on, guess! No, I didn’t get an advance copy of the next Harry Potter movie. Try again. No, I didn’t win twenty million dollars in the Powerball. (Sheesh, that was last week. This is real news, people.) Guess again! […]

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Week 4: Levelling Out

September 13th, 2010

Is it Monday again already? Must be time for another graph! While each week’s graph is still pointing down, there are two emerging trends: 1) the slope isn’t quite as dramatic as it used to be, and 2) the lines are a lot closer together. I don’t understand this. This is me we’re talking about. […]

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Another Plateau

September 8th, 2010

The word “Plateau” is of French origin. Etymologically speaking, it comes from the words: “pla” meaning, “The easy weight” and “teau” meaning, “loss period is definitely over.” I know I said I was stuck a short while back and ended up losing nine pounds in three weeks. But this time I can feel it. It’s […]

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Week 3: A Week of Firsts

September 6th, 2010

Time is flying by faster than a . . . than a . . . than a thing that goes very fast. It still feels like this latest diet just started a couple days ago, but suddenly here we are three weeks into it. If this pace keeps up, it’s going to be Christmas soon. […]

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Week 2: So Far, So Good

August 30th, 2010

You’ll be happy to know I made it past my little plateau. After six days in a row essentially “stuck” around the same weight, I did manage to lose a little more. Here’s the graph, with Week 2 overlaid on Week 1, for comparison: You can see how many days were in that 229-ish range, […]

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Week 1: A Few Good Graphs

August 23rd, 2010

Sunday, August 15, 2010: Day One #104. Sunday, August 22, 2010: Week One Results Are In Monday, August 23, 2010: Week One Results Are Public But before we get to the results, let’s take a look at a few graphs. First, I’d like to go back in time to a happier era. This is what […]

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Weapon of Choice

August 20th, 2010

So! Now that you’re on board, whatcha gonna do? Just saying you’re ready to get back in shape isn’t enough. We each need a plan for how we’re going to accomplish our goals. Everyone needs to choose her (or his—are there any hisses out there?) weapon before heading into battle. And, yes, I’m mixing warfare […]

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All Aboard!

August 19th, 2010

The great thing about trains is there’s no arbitrary upper limit to the number of cars it can pull. Theoretically, with a strong enough engine and a long enough track, you can keep adding cars to a train forever. That means it’s never too late to hop on! Officially, there are three, four, five of […]

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This Train is Rolling

August 17th, 2010

This past Sunday I took a vote among myself and it was unanimous: enough is enough, after all. It seems I had it right the first time. Now I know I’ve said this before, but trust me, this time will be different. This time it’s going to click. This time I won’t hop off the […]

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A Law is a Law

August 10th, 2010

First, let me acquaint (or reacquaint) you with an important concept from my book, The Four Physical Laws of Dieting: Law I. Weight returns at five times the velocity at which it was lost. Unfortunately, most of us are all too familiar with this law. In some ways, this seems impossible. “How can it take […]

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August 3rd, 2010

Okay, never mind what I said last week about enough not being enough. Never mind that I sounded a bit resigned. Never mind that it sounded like I was giving up. I’m pretty sure all of that was due to the fact that my blog was hijacked by Glum and he can’t write anything but […]

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Enough Wasn’t Enough

July 27th, 2010

Back in June, when I got fed up, I really thought I had what I needed to get my rear in gear. Apparently, enough wasn’t enough. I tried, then slipped, then tried again, then slipped again. At least fifteen of the days since were spent on trips to three different cities—never a good thing for […]

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Do Over

July 13th, 2010

One of humanity’s greatest inventions just happened to be developed by its most resourceful faction: kids. Over the ages, as children developed impromptu and casual sports such as kickball, four-square, or (my personal favorite) whack-each-other-with-sticks, they also developed the best unwritten rule ever: the Do Over. If both sides agree that a particular play just […]

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Back from Vacation

July 6th, 2010

I tell you, there’s nothing like spending the second week of a new diet program on the road. We left on Saturday, June 26, and got back just a few hours ago, around three in the morning. Zzzz… Over the years, I’ve learned there are many pairs of terms which should simply never be used […]

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Rerun: Could Be Worse

July 1st, 2010

It’s funny sometimes how memory works (or doesn’t work). My general recollection of this last Return to Onederland trip is all rainbows and unicorns: at 224 pounds, I made up my mind to lose weight, then two or three weeks later, I hit 194 pounds. Okay, so that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but the […]

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Pop Quiz

June 29th, 2010

Time for a pop quiz! I hope you’ve all been paying attention, since this test represents twenty-five percent of your final semester grade. 1. When a friend presents you with a box of Cheez-Its, do you… Politely refuse with, “No thank you! I’m watching my girlish figure!” Take a handful, because, well, you know, mustn’t […]

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Enough’s Enough

June 22nd, 2010

Last week I reiterated my theory on how a successful weight loss plan is under the complete control of The Switch and that you have absolutely no say over The Switch’s position. In spite of that, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view) flipping The Switch on can be greatly influenced upon finding […]

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Stupid Switch

June 15th, 2010

If you’re new to my blog (and to be honest, I don’t know why you would be since my rabid fan base is made up of the same half dozen returning readers) then you already know all about The Switch. If by some great miracle you’re new here and about to become the seventh rabid […]

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One Hundred Times

June 8th, 2010

Hey look, it’s me again. I didn’t actually intend to take this much time off. Like so many things in life, it just happened. May was . . . well, let’s just say May is behind us now and leave it at that. I may fill you in later, but what’s important now is I’m […]

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Honeymoon’s Over

April 27th, 2010

Well, it was fun while it lasted. I tell you, that first week everything fell right into place. I ate reasonable amounts of food, I didn’t feel hungry, I wrote everything down in The Daily Plate again. It was just like the old days. Now of course I had no real delusions that it would […]

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How About Tuesdays?

April 20th, 2010

All right, kids . . . looks like for the foreseeable future, Tuesday will be check-in day for me, just to satisfy the planet’s desire to keep track of my awesome progress (or lack thereof). I probably won’t be as witty or verbose or graphic-heavy as I used to be, just in the interest of […]

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Now What?

April 13th, 2010

Now that the holidays1 are behind us, it’s time to start seriously thinking about getting back on the wagon. For those of you just tuning in, here’s a quick recap: Back in August of 2008, terrified of rising blood sugar readings, I decided to cut way down on the high glycemic foods and more or […]

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Day 7200

January 15th, 2010

<shortest_post_ever> Remember this post? Hard to believe that was 200 days ago. Hard to believe I was safely in Onederland at that point. Hard to believe I was actually sticking to a plan for nearly a year. Hard to believe that today I’m twenty-three pounds heavier. </shortest_post_ever>

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Ate and Ate and Ate

January 7th, 2010

My Christmas? Oh, it was lovely. What did I do? Oh, I ate and ate and ate and ate. Then I ate, ate, ate, ate. After that, I ate some more, then had dessert, after which I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate. Once I was finally done eating, I took a […]

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Return to Return to Onederland

December 3rd, 2009

First Thursday of the month: time to reluctantly report in. Astute readers may have noticed the reappearance of “Return to Onederland” in the post title. Yep, I can’t pretend I’m mostly still in Onederland and “just over a bit.” No, based on the last couple weeks and what’s surely ahead, it’s time to return to […]

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The Right Stuff

April 6th, 2009

One of Hollywood’s greatest superpowers is the ability to revise history. It doesn’t matter what actually happened. All you need is the right screenplay, along with a halfway competent director, and you can make history whatever you want it to be. Take The Right Stuff. This was a very good movie. It was, not, however, […]

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March 30th, 2009

In the movie Flatliners, a group of medical students headed up by Jack Bauer, decide classes are too boring to sit through alive. To achieve a new level of Zen, they decide it would be fun to kill themselves, one at a time, just to see what death is like. (I could have told them […]

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The Next Barrier

March 23rd, 2009

Throughout history, the most popular stories are the ones where the audience already knows the ending. Or, more accurately, the stories that end up ending up the way the audience (deep down) hopes they will end. This is why books and movies where the hero triumphs in the end are more common (by a margin […]

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Yes and No

March 16th, 2009

Officially? Yes, I am in Onederland. On Friday, for the first time, I passed the “eight days in a row” test. On that day I also hit a new low on this particular adventure: 197.5. Today, two days later, I’m up to 199, but that’s still below 200.0000. So count that ten days in a […]

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Still Not There

March 9th, 2009

Last week was a pretty big week. For the first time since October 1821, my weight, in pounds, began with the number “1”. Not only did I cross The Barrier, but I’d hit three days in a row. That put me well on my weigh to the eight-day-in-a-row official declaration. Monday? 199. Four days in […]

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The Barrier, Part 2

March 2nd, 2009

One week ago our intrepid hero was still frustrated by his inability to get past The Barrier. Foiled once again by his arch nemesis, Charlie was seriously thinking about drowning his troubles in an eighteen inch, thin crust, pepperonly pizza. I mean, just look at three weeks of hard work: Since I’m sure you’re all […]

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So Close Yet So Far

February 23rd, 2009

About two days ago I was absolutely convinced the title of today’s post was going to be, “I give up!” The week was not going well at all. And I’d love to say it’s because I’d fallen off the wagon and was eating like crazy. But for Three Thousand Calorie Tuesday, it was actually a […]

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Sorry, Folks!

February 16th, 2009

I know all the cool kids have been pulling for me for weeks now. And I know that tension has doubled over the last two weeks as I drew near to the big goal. But unfortunately I’m forced to admit another week has gone by fully stuck in Twoderland. (Twoderland?) In times of defeat, and […]

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The Barrier

February 9th, 2009

Odds are by this time next week, I’ll have my first foot in Onederland. That’s what I wrote exactly one week ago, at the end of last week’s post. And I believed it too. After all, things were going according to plan. There was no reason (after losing five pounds over the previous two weeks) […]

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The Good, The Bad and…?

February 2nd, 2009

Without beating around the bush or wasting time with tired movie analogies, I’ll just come right out and tell you what happened this week: I got down to 201. This not only means the holiday bump is fer sure behind me, I even surpassed the pre-holiday low of 201.5 by an entire eight ounces. That’s […]

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The Verdict

January 26th, 2009

Two weeks ago I was having a bit of trouble. I read about (and subsequently attempted) a dietary experiment. And last week I gave my preliminary results. At the time, things were looking generally positive, but I wanted to hold full judgment until I had at least one more week of falsified data great results […]

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Break the Cycle

January 19th, 2009

Last Thursday, I talked about a study that said, in so many words, the more you eat, the more you gain. It’s not just about the excess calories building up around your body, but the fact that the act of overeating actually makes you want to eat even more. This obviously leads to a vicious […]

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Oh Dear

January 12th, 2009

While I did complain last week about exceeding my self-imposed holiday weight gain limit, in all reality, I didn’t mind it that much. Sure, maybe the big picture still looked okay, but that’s not the real reason it didn’t bother me deep down. I was okay with it because it was just one quick week. […]

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The Season in Review

January 5th, 2009

Sixty-five days. Two hundred meals. One hundred and fifty thousand calories. All gone in a heartbeat, vanishing quicker than a piping hot order of fries placed within eighteen inches of my mouth. One solstice. One Treats Day. Four major holidays. Blink, blink, blink. I have no idea where the time goes. All I do know […]

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So Far, So Good

December 29th, 2008

Despite what the demotivational poster says, I actually do have some hope today. Now that we’re officially fifty-nine days into The Season (which began on Halloween) plus the fact that there’s only one week remaining, I must say things have gone fairly well. All this in spite of the higher-than-normal caloric intake which began on […]

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Treats Day Aftermath

December 22nd, 2008

Okay, this is the week I’ve been looking forward to and dreading all season. It began Monday with the Chex Mix. It ended today with cookies. It peaked on Friday with Treats Day. And at this point, there really isn’t much point in focusing on anything but that. Behold the initial Treats Day spread, around […]

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Now That’s More Like It

December 15th, 2008

It was the best of weeks. It was the worst of weeks. After last week’s three pound drop, I figured that was probably just a fluke and things would snap back to normal. Here’s what happened… Monday: 202 He kicks off the week down another half pound. Hmmm… Almost makes me wish Monday was the […]

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Say Anything

December 8th, 2008

Diane: So we started spending all this time together, as friends. But, I could feel him getting anxious, and then I knew that there would be a confrontation over getting physical. And he started to get that look at the end of the night. Do you know that look? Diane’s Father: [nods, knowingly] Diane: And […]

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