The Soda Chronicles, Part One

Post slugWelcome to my new mini-series, The Soda Chronicles. This is Part One, or Why I Love Me Some Soda Pop.

Ironically, I can’t actually answer that question because the concepts of likes and dislikes lie beyond logical definition. In short, people like what they like and they don’t like what they don’t like. Take mushrooms, for example. I do not like them. I put one in my mouth once and it didn’t go well. Had there been digital cameras and a vast interconnected network of computers at the time, my facial expression just might have become the world’s first meme.

But back to that first taste: let’s analyze what happened. Did I eat the mushroom and construct a two-column list of both its positive and negative qualities and assign weights to each attribute? (“Let’s see . . . other people like them. Plus one. Feels like someone stuck a dirty big toe in my mouth. Minus two.”)

Of course not. Nor did I do any such thing the first time someone shoved a birthday cake in my face. I instantaneously knew that this is what I wanted to happen at least once a year for the rest of my life.

So no, I can’t truly answer the original question. But what I can do is describe the positive attributes of Soda Pop.

1. It’s fizzy.
2. It’s sweet.
3. It makes me feel like a room without a roof.
4. It calms me down.
5. It picks me up.
6. It goes with absolutely everything, including Kashi cereal.

Apparently, though, it has one serious drawback: something The Health Industry calls “hidden calories.” I’m not sure why some calories are deemed “hidden” and others are not. On more than one occasion I’ve taken sample food items, laid them out on the counter, and smashed them to bits with a hammer. And I have yet to ever see even a single calorie. However a bunch of know-it-all scientists claim calories really do lurk in almost all the food we eat, so I’ll take their word for it.

Much to my chagrin, a vast concentration of these calories are hidden in Soda Pop. In fact, a single twelve-ounce can of Coca-Cola contains nineteen pounds of sugar. If you were to drink three a day (one with your Kashi, one with french fries, and a third one with an additional application of french fries), you would gain five hundred pounds in the next six months. It’s true. I did it in 1989.

Clearly that wasn’t going to be an ideal long term regimen. But Soda Pop tasted so good! Could there be any way this boy might enjoy a cold soft drink without the ever-present threat of caloric death waiting at the bottom of each can?

Tune in next week for Part Two and find out.

8 Responses to “The Soda Chronicles, Part One”

Christine said
January 19, 2015 at 9:04 am

Haha! I love this. I don’t have a thing for soda (dessert on the hand…) but my husband and older son do. So I look forward to part two and sharing this with them. 🙂

Michelle said
January 19, 2015 at 9:15 am

Thanks for the much needed Monday morning laugh…..
Soda is so much better with pizza and chips than water. There is another reason to like soda (or pop if you are from Michigan).

    Charlie said
    January 21, 2015 at 9:38 am

    Yeah, I wasn’t sure how or if to address the nomenclature issue. I grew up in Chicago and lived in Des Moines for about thirteen years, so it was always “pop” for me. Took me years to get out of the habit after moving south. I figured “Soda Pop” would cover it, even though I left that specific term out of the title.

Biz said
January 19, 2015 at 10:26 am

“Feels like someone stuck a dirty big toe in my mouth” – that almost made me spit out my coffee – ha!

I actually don’t mind mushrooms now – I guess I had to see them 1000+ times before giving them another go!

I can’t even remember the last can of pop I had – maybe a diet dr. pepper last year??

Jenn@slim-shoppin said
January 19, 2015 at 7:55 pm

What was the name of that place in Iowa State we’d get giant things of pop – Quick Trip??

    Charlie said
    January 21, 2015 at 9:40 am

    Yeah, it was QuickTrip. We called it a “Mag-Pop”. I can’t believe I used to drink those. I think the 44oz version has over 120 grams of sugar. Or, as I like to think of it: 0.12 kg.

Soda Popinsky said
May 31, 2016 at 8:38 pm

In my home country of Replyvania, we have saying: “IF what gets you does not grow stronger, only YOU were got.” I hope it is making things clear for you now.

    Charlie said
    May 31, 2016 at 8:43 pm

    In Soviet Russia, soda pops you.