A Law is a Law

Isaac NewtonFirst, let me acquaint (or reacquaint) you with an important concept from my book, The Four Physical Laws of Dieting:

Law I. Weight returns at five times the velocity at which it was lost.
Unfortunately, most of us are all too familiar with this law. In some ways, this seems impossible. “How can it take five days to lose two pounds and only one day to get it back!? That’s not fair!” Well, unfortunately, life isn’t fair and this is just the way it works. Why? Because you can’t eat fewer than zero calories per day but you can eat five thousand or more if you really put your mind to it. What to do: If your diet is going well, here’s a helpful tip: don’t blow it. How? Well if I knew that, I’d be king of the world.

Law II. Any dietary straying, no matter how seemingly insignificant, causes instantaneous Diet Reversal.
Oh, we’ve all experienced this. You do well all week long then on Friday night you figure you deserve a little treat. So you have pizza. Oops. Does your body forgive you? Are you allowed to take a mulligan? Of course not. What to do: Giving yourself a food treat for losing weight is a lot like winning a Million Dollar Bake-Off and then shredding the check to celebrate your win. What’s wrong with you?

Law III. No diet, no matter how well it’s going, can survive Thanksgiving.
I don’t know about you, but the forty-day feed fest from Thanksgiving to New Year’s gets me every single time. I try. I really do. But no diet in history has ever been built to withstand a head-on collision with pumpkin pie. What to do: Remove all possible temptation by relocating to an uncharted island. There Mary Ann and Ginger can keep you on a strict diet of coconut and crab. In fact, you might enjoy this so much you’ll find yourself sabotaging the Professor’s rescue plans every single week.

Law IV. Informing others of your progress immediately halts progress.
I can’t be the only one this has happened to. You start your diet on Monday and by Thursday morning you’re miraculously down six pounds. You’re so excited you tell everyone you know, whether in person or by keyboard. But come Friday morning, you’re suddenly five pounds heavier. It’s a sinking feeling, but you brought it upon yourself. What to do: This one is obvious: never, ever tell anyone how well you’re doing. Even when you’ve lost fifty pounds and everyone asks, “Have you lost weight?” tell them, “No, I’m just wearing vertical stripes.”

The fourth law was one of the main reasons for last week’s hush hush post. It’s also the reason I’m not going to give you any update today about what transpired this past week. Instead, I will leave everything to your imagination. You can walk away from this post with the mental image of me working out every single day. Of me eating all my veggies and shunning that starchy variety prepared in a vat of boiling oil. Of me passing over the birthday cake and pizza. Of me looking down at the scale this morning and basking in my own awesomeness.

Now isn’t that so much better than the truth?

Who wants fries!

10 Responses to “A Law is a Law”

tuscanystone said
August 10, 2010 at 6:12 am

hahahaha! love it!

And all shockingly true! 🙁

No.1 is the killer tho. I just did it. Lost 5lbs in 10 days. Went to Portugal for 4 days. Have put 4lbs back on! Grrr!

Tusc :o/

TexasDeb said
August 10, 2010 at 9:00 am

I worked hard this year to lose weight before a family wedding and while I was at it, decided to use the momentum to keep shedding at another try the neighborhood where What I USED to Weigh lived.

I was close, veeeery close, then blasted an ankle and was on bedrest for 4-5 weeks. Not only am I well read after, but apparently especially well fed, too. I gained it all back (and more, thanks for nothin’ Law I!).

So sure – I’ll take some fries. Make mine Green Chili Cheese Fries (thank YOU, Law II!) And while you’re up? Maybe an ice cold beer? Thanks buddy!

Tish said
August 10, 2010 at 9:36 am

Oh yes, you and Newton may have been smart enough to publish those laws, but we’ve all lived ’em. Laws II and IV are causing me anguish right now. I’ll tune in on your next post and see if your ploy to circumvent Law IV really works. Good Luck!

Karen@WaistingTime said
August 10, 2010 at 6:26 pm

I came by from Tish’s blog. I love, love this post:)

Alan (Pounds Off Playoff) said
August 10, 2010 at 11:05 pm

I will definitely, definitely not brag about my weight loss at Thanksgiving!

Debbi Does Dinner Healthy said
August 11, 2010 at 9:32 am

Incredibly true. Law 2 is the one that drives me insane though!! WHY is one bad day permission to have the next 47 days be bad days!!

Haha – I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving so that’s 3000 calories a year that I get to save!!! Oh wait, I forgot about all those summer BBQ’s.

Biz said
August 11, 2010 at 3:32 pm

I know, Charlie, we are getting into the “fall” mode and the oh too soon Halloween to New Years!

I don’t know what’s happened to me, but my “switch” has been turned on for 9 days for me!

But I decided I am not weighing myself until my next quarterly diabetes appointment which isn’t until November 3! 😀

Jen said
August 14, 2010 at 8:08 am

I usually lose my winter weight in the first few weeks of summer. Not this year. I’m back up to my post pregnancy weight. It sucks, I can’t even spin it funny. I did just start the cabbage soup diet and I would weigh myself but I have been too busy doing other things in the bathroom. Of course even if I knew how much I lost I couldn’t tell you because of rule #4.

    Charlie said
    August 14, 2010 at 8:21 am

    “I can’t even spin it funny”, is about to the point where I’m getting. This blog, from its inception, has been all about the humor spin. This latest stretch of, um, non-success is really starting to take its toll.

    I’ll keep trying, of course (both the losing and the writing about it) but it is getting a lot harder.

Charlie H. said
August 15, 2010 at 10:25 pm

I needed this post so badly, I can’t even tell you. I may be sending my readers here this week. (Cause one day out of the 7 I will feel too lazy to blog. But it only takes a moment to link… lol)
And I’m with you on the band name. In fact, I may have to replace the original idea of my imaginary band’s current name of “Sweet Charlie and the Last Chance Band.” One of these days I’ll have time for a band again!