Have you ever heard of dark matter? Astronomers and other smart people have observed the collective gravitational influence of all the things they can see up there (mainly stars) and realized they don’t weigh enough to explain their relative motions. Scientists have hypothesized that dark matter exists to make up the difference, and in quantities greater than all the stars put together. Hold that thought.
There’s no end to the number of diet plans out there. The federal government has estimated that at any given point in time, 137% of Americans are on a diet. These numbers help fuel a diet and health industry that sells nearly eleventy-one billion dollars worth of goods and services every month. Just visit your typical grocery store: aisles upon aisles of “low calorie” this and “fat free” that. It seems that with all these plans and all these products, we should collectively be at our thinnest ever.
But we’re not. And if you’ve ever been on the internet or flipped through your favorite magazine, the reason is clear. It’s because of hidden calories.
So what are “hidden” calories? In short, these are the foods you eat during the day that don’t make it into your calorie count. They’re the dark matter of your daily diet. Let’s say you have a typical dieting day and like a good dieter, you’re logging your foods:
Breakfast: Toast with margarine. Orange juice. Coffee. (280 calories)
Lunch: Small Caesar salad. Bread. Diet Coke. (320 calories)
Dinner: Large Caesar salad. More bread. Regular Coke. (800 calories)
At the end of the day, those are the bright, visible stars that you can observe and easily catalog. But as the scale continues to inch upwards, you begin to theorize there must be unobserved dark calories out there. Now, let’s really take a look at your day.
Breakfast: Oh yeah. You took three swigs of your French vanilla creamer while waiting for the toast to pop. (200 calories)
Morning snack: That’s right. Debbie from Accounting brought in chocolate chip, blueberry, cinnamon and garlic bagels. (And those weren’t four different kinds of bagels: that was one bagel.) (300 calories)
Lunch: Ah, crap. Remember now? Someone asked, “Anyone want these? I don’t!” and dropped off a bag of regular Lay’s potato chips on your desk. (150 calories)
Afternoon snack: Dang it. Bill from Receiving made a round through the office handing out sticks of butter. (800 calories)
Dinner: Wait a sec. That was a Caesar salad. You didn’t need to add two tablespoons of Ranch dressing. (150 calories)
Evening Snack: Slaps forehead! While watching a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air marathon, you got the cashews out, didn’t you? (400 calories)
Aw, man, look at that. A perfect, 1,400 calorie healthy food day ruined by an additional 2,000 calories that somehow snuck in completely undetected.
Thanks a lot, Astronomers.
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November 5th, 2010
I wrote this as a guest post last week for Anne and since I’ve prepared next to NOTHING this week for my own blog, I thought I would share it with you today. I missed this week’s side-by-side comparison and I did not write about my Big Secret Which Isn’t a Secret as promised. What […]
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7 Comments »
June 5th, 2009
Based on all the feedback yesterday, I’ve decided to use today’s post to respond. But first, a general ‘thank you’ to all the comments over the last two weeks. I don’t want my whining and moaning to be interpreted as unappreciativeness. For the regular readers and the people who actually bought and read the book: […]
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5 Comments »
June 4th, 2009
This week’s post requires some context. For that I suggest reading this post from two weeks ago and this post from last week. For those of you who don’t want to bother with that (and I don’t blame you—I doubt I would) here’s the summary: I was in a deep blogfunk and trying to figure […]
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18 Comments »
May 28th, 2009
Last week I asked for some help on this whole blogging thing, and boy did I get it. First up, thanks for all the comments. Really, really. Comments are how I know real, live human beings are showing up every day and not just two hundred scammers trying to sell fake watches and cheap pharmaceuticals. […]
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20 Comments »
May 21st, 2009
I created this Thursday category, “No Help Here” in order to provide you, the cool kids, with any sort of dieting-related “advice” my warped mind could come up with. Every once in a while it works out that way, most other times I simply try to write a joke or two, or even review a […]
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29 Comments »
May 14th, 2009
You know the routine by now. Flip the channel, open a magazine, or click a link and you’re confronted with yet another in-depth piece of journalism talking about how horrible fad diets are. “Don’t eat a diet solely of grapefruit for the rest of your life,” they wisely tell us. Um…okay. This is obvious, obvious […]
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6 Comments »
May 7th, 2009
I’ve got some new diet tips for you today. And by that I don’t mean “diet tips that are brand new,” but instead, “tips for starting a new diet.” If you’re like me, and you probably are given the subject matter of this blog, you’ve had more than a few days in your past that […]
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9 Comments »
April 30th, 2009
Circumstance drives me to Jason’s Deli many times each year and I always order the salad bar. I don’t know what it is about their fixins that makes their salads so good, but I just can’t resist. Now everyone knows the best thing about a salad bar is you get to put whatever you want […]
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14 Comments »
April 23rd, 2009
When I started this latest and (frankly) greatest diet two hundred and seventy days ago, the whole idea wasn’t so much to lose weight as it was avoiding diabetes. I’ve been voluntarily taking my own blood sugar readings for a while now and when I hit the number pictured here, I knew it was time […]
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9 Comments »
April 16th, 2009
I understand that a million different diet messages can make for some confusing times out there. The diet industry has never had a problem contradicting itself at any given time about what’s good, what’s bad, and what should simply be left alone. But I think there are a few things just about everybody can universally […]
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12 Comments »
April 9th, 2009
Ever get stuck in a rut on your diet? You do all the right things, make all the right sacrifices, and eat all the right Acai berries, and then—nothing happens. Maybe you start a new diet, lose a few pounds right away, and then stop. What happens then? What do you typically do? If you’re […]
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10 Comments »
April 2nd, 2009
About a month ago, I and twenty-seven thousand, three hundred and eighty-two other bloggers, were contacted by Diana, the POM Blogger. “I love your blog. Want some Pomegranate juice?” Pomegranate juice. What for? I asked myself. But the first thing I asked Diana was, “How much juice are we talking about?” It’s been my experience […]
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13 Comments »
March 26th, 2009
In her book Half-Assed: A Weight-Loss Memoir, Jennette Fulda makes a point to not tell us what diet she followed as she lost two hundred pounds. The reason? Simple. At the time, soylent green was still illegal. Actually, the real reason is she didn’t want people to fixate on the diet, which is brilliant. Thank […]
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9 Comments »
March 19th, 2009
In an online Time Magazine pictorial (flanked by Google ads for Rachael’s Ray’s One Rule For Losing 30 Pounds or $237 of Your Hard Earned Dollars to Scam Artists) we are taken on a journey of triggers that make us eat too much. Welcome, then, to my second part of an unknown-number-of-part series where I […]
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15 Comments »
March 12th, 2009
I’m starting to run the risk of turning Thursday into Rantsday. This is bad for two reasons: 1) Thursday is the one dang day a week I thought I might actually try to help people; and 2) I hate when people rant. It’s pointless. Everybody’s got an opinion, and ranting does nothing to advance us […]
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16 Comments »
March 5th, 2009
Dear Internet, We’ve known each other for almost fifteen years now. We’ve been through a lot of ups and downs. I’ve learned many things from you and wasted many hours on you, but the fact of the matter is, you’ve always been there for me. Unfortunately, things have changed recently, and our long and wonderful […]
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15 Comments »
February 26th, 2009
My friend Stephanie and I have struggled with weighty issues for nigh on two decades now. While we both still have our dietary vices, she got one problem licked but good: she gave up beer and pizza. “Wow!” you exclaim. “That’s impressive!” you shout in near disbelief. “So how did she do it?” you ask. […]
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20 Comments »
February 19th, 2009
As we travel on our respective weight loss journeys, all of us hoping to get back to our original weights (eight pounds, five ounces) one thing most of us attempt along the way is to “eat healthy.” I say most, but certainly not everybody. More than a few of us are certainly content with eating […]
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27 Comments »
February 12th, 2009
In the documentary Super Size Me, filmmaker Morgan Spurlock eats nothing but McDonald’s food for thirty days. The film is a platform to raise awareness about our obesity epidemic, the nutritional issues associated with fast food, and how corporations are profiting from shoving nothing but junk down our fry-holes. I like the movie. Yes, I […]
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10 Comments »
February 5th, 2009
I’ve made it no secret that when it comes right down to it, I’m a realist. To the optimist, I look like a pessimist. To the pessimist, I look uncommitted. But I don’t mind looking at things for what they are. In fact, I can’t look at things any other way. It’s just the way […]
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15 Comments »
January 29th, 2009
Some of us who are overweight now weren’t always that way. We may have started out thin and only ran into weight problems in high school, or college, or right after that four hour hot dog eating contest. For those of us with “adult onset weight issues” I have some good news for you. Maybe. […]
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17 Comments »
January 22nd, 2009
As I travel the blogosphere and read other weight loss and fitness blogs, I’ve learned one thing: there are lot more bloggers of the female persuasion than there are of my particular gender. Fortunately, this imbalance has given me great insight into the inner workings of the female blogger mind. Here are just a few […]
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31 Comments »
January 15th, 2009
Most of us made some resolutions two weeks ago. And, if history is any indicator, it’s likely a majority of us have given up swimming against the current and are back to our old ways. (Hey, there’s always next year!) But not us, right? We’re the Cool Kids. We’re going to hang in there. Sure […]
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15 Comments »
January 8th, 2009
My dad had a fairly large store of stock sayings. I won’t go into all of them (at least not today) but more than a few have stuck in my head over the years. The one I’m thinking of right now is, “Always use the right tool for the right job.” I’m pretty sure Tim […]
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26 Comments »
January 1st, 2009
The clock ticked midnight and all our slates were wiped clean, just like that. What a magical gift we give ourselves every year. In yesterday’s post, I reflected on the year gone by. Today it’s time to look ahead and make the traditional impossible promises to ourselves. First off, I resolve not to make any […]
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10 Comments »
December 25th, 2008
I’m takin’ a day off. In case you’re not and you need a funny, here you go: All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.
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4 Comments »
December 18th, 2008
Losing weight is easy. Just burn more calories than you take in. That’s it. Problem solved. Never mind that the actual burning of more calories than you take in is the difficult part. Over the last few decades, we’ve seen thousands and thousands of so-called solutions hit the market all designed to attack this singular […]
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9 Comments »
December 11th, 2008
There are about 3,400 Sonic Drive-In restaurants from “coast to coast,” as their web site declares. I’m not sure how they’re distributed between the left and right oceans—and even then I’m not sure exactly where the commercials are seen. So you may or may not recognize Molly Erdman. She stars alongside Brian Huskey as the […]
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26 Comments »
December 4th, 2008
Thanksgiving Day For Sarah, the day started at one in the morning. The kids had to be downtown at an unholy hour, with practice at four o’clock. If you want to see some of that, here you go. If you want to be surprised by the actual parade footage, you’ll find that down further down […]
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12 Comments »
November 27th, 2008
As much as I love my self-imposed, five-day-a-week creative writing assignment, I’ve decided to take a few days off. While you’re all tripping out on tryptophan today, I give you this post from Thursday, October 2, 2008. Happy Thanksgiving to my US readers. Have an extra slice of that pumpkin cake for me! About nineteen […]
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3 Comments »
November 20th, 2008
Last week I talked about complained about the Pink Patch. However, I will give the pink people some credit: at the very least, it’s obvious they’re just some company hawking yet another weight loss product. This week, however, I want to look at the not so obvious ones. We’ve all seen these ads. Everywhere. Anyone […]
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21 Comments »
November 13th, 2008
No, I haven’t suddenly started running ads for dubious weight loss products. This unfortunate picture is actually the subject of this post. When browsing the interwebs, you don’t have to click too many links before you run across this little gem. Every time I see it I think a tiny piece of my soul is […]
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15 Comments »
November 6th, 2008
Thomas Andrews: The pumps will buy you time, but minutes only. From this moment on, no matter what we do, Titanic will founder. Ismay: But this ship can’t sink! Thomas Andrews: She is made of iron, sir. I assure you, she can. And she will. The movie Titanic was an epic story of love, disaster, […]
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16 Comments »
October 30th, 2008
Trying to eat right and buy healthy foods is hard enough as it is. But then we have to deal with highly paid marketing departments whose sole purpose is to trick us into buying crap we don’t need. Now I can’t really fault them for that. That is, of course, their job. They get paid […]
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11 Comments »
October 23rd, 2008
New Miracle Plan Dissolves Fat On Contact What would you say if I told you it were possible to lose a pound OR MORE a day WITHOUT DIETING? What if I told you that you could eat all the foods you wanted and still lose weight? This skinny woman here, culled from a variety of […]
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14 Comments »
October 16th, 2008
While most of us think we’re our own worst enemies when it comes to sticking to the plan, it’s easy to overlook the saboteurs. You know who I’m talking about. The spouse, the kids, the grandparents, the evil stepmother. It could be anyone, but they all share an important attribute: they bring their food into […]
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5 Comments »
October 9th, 2008
In college I majored in computer science. But for some odd reason I also have a minor in psychology. Worse, I’m only three dang classes away from a double major. From time to time I think about just taking the electives and getting it over with. But then I think, what the heck would I […]
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8 Comments »
October 2nd, 2008
About nineteen years ago I finally decided to deal with the empty calories being delivered into my body regularly in sixteen ounces doses. (Of course, back then I called it “pop” since I lived in the Midwest. But a drink by any other name would taste as sweet.) It seemed like a good plan, but […]
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9 Comments »
September 25th, 2008
I’ve always found it odd that the one thing we obsess over more than anything — our weight — is the one thing we seem to know the least about. Oh sure, we understand the basics. Eat too little, and we lose weight. Eat too much, and we lose our skinny clothes. That’s the basic […]
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6 Comments »
September 18th, 2008
The Michael Phelps Diet skit was pretty good. (If you didn’t see it, click the “Previous” link below.) I laughed when I saw it and just had to share. But it only took a few minutes of mild pondering to realize it’s not as “out there” as it seems. Like a lot of humor, it’s […]
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1 Comment »
September 11th, 2008
Today’s topic is food substitutions. You know, this is where health magazines and fitness gurus everywhere tell you “exchange this food for that in order to save X calories.” It typically goes something like this: Skip the triple mocha with heavy whipping cream. Drink a glass of water. Instead of eating that softball-sized muffin, have […]
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8 Comments »
September 4th, 2008
I don’t know about you, but I sure as heck love snacking. In fact, if I didn’t have to work all day and could somehow perpetually stay in liposuction surgery, I don’t think I’d ever stop eating snacks ever. It’s horrible. It’s wrong. But oh! have you ever had chips and dip before? I bet […]
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3 Comments »
August 28th, 2008
Basically speaking, I don’t like exer- cising. I know that’s absolutely the wrong frame of mind. I also know this statement isn’t going to inspire anyone to get up off their rumps and run twenty-six miles tomorrow. But since this blog is a no-nonsense zone (well, once you discount all the nonsense) then I must […]
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1 Comment »
. . .
on April 14, 2015 at 5:09 am
Are those the same sneaky little hidden calories are the ones that shrink your clothes while hanging in the closet.
on April 15, 2015 at 7:59 am
Indeed, there are many mysteries in life.
on April 14, 2015 at 8:33 am
So funny because it’s true! 🙂
on April 14, 2015 at 2:40 pm
I think that’s the difference this time around for me (maybe round 772?!) Since I am eating so much protein, I am not hungry at all in between meals – I just eat my three meals a day and that’s it – and I guess it’s working since I am down almost 8 pounds in 3 weeks! Well, that, and putting away my wine glass more often 😛