Don’t Get Bit!

Some of us who are overweight now weren’t always that way. We may have started out thin and only ran into weight problems in high school, or college, or right after that four hour hot dog eating contest. For those of us with “adult onset weight issues” I have some good news for you. Maybe.

From the “It’s Not Your Fault” Files comes this latest theory. You didn’t overeat. You weren’t cursed with bad genetics. No. You caught your obesity from some other obese person. That’s right. You were fine one day, minding your own thin business when unbeknownst to you, some inconsiderate fat person sneezed on you. Then the very next day you started eating Hostess Cupcakes dipped in maple syrup and melted butter, and life was never the same.

Sound crazy? Well, listen to this:

Nikhil Dhurandhar, an associate professor at The Pennington Biomedical Research Center, in Baton Rouge, La., said the virus, known as AD-36, infects the lungs then whisks around the body, forcing fat cells to multiply and also causing sore throats.

“I think I’m getting a sore throat,” you tell your friends. “And my butt’s bigger too.” Apparently when the virus gets in your fat cells and replicates, it creates new fat cells along the way. Hooray! Just what we needed, right? Here are the frightening statistics:

In one test, a third of obese people had the rare and highly contagious virus compared to just 11 percent of thinner people. Weight gain can last three months until the body has built up resistance to the bug.

And it doesn’t look like you get thinner once you’ve built up that resistance, either. Because fat cells, like death and taxes, never ever go away.

So that’s bad news two weeks in a row now. First, the ladies are genetically programmed to crave chocolate. And now, even if you get the chocolate problem under control, you can be doomed by one well-aimed sneeze.

Why, it’s enough to drive someone to cupcakes and syrup.

17 Responses to “Don’t Get Bit!”

Christy said
January 29, 2009 at 12:05 am

Thank you for your comments on this! When I posted about it on my site I really hoped to hear your opinion too. 🙂

Melanie Thomassian said
January 29, 2009 at 3:30 am

lol…this is hilarious!

As is your site overall. Very amusing!

Brandi said
January 29, 2009 at 6:32 am

I seriously think you are one of the funniest people I know of 🙂

Thank you for sharing all your awesome posts with the world!

Biz said
January 29, 2009 at 6:59 am

Dammit – I knew it had to be a sneeze and not me eating Long John Silver’s!

Tom Rooney said
January 29, 2009 at 6:59 am

Amazing, I think I had someone sneeze on me too. I was very thin when I was young and then one day (I’ll bet it was that fat guy in the hardware store) I was infected and ran to McDonals and order two BigMacs. It’s been that way ever since. I curse the day I bought those 10 penny nails.

Hallie said
January 29, 2009 at 7:06 am

Honest to God, I’ve always hated to sneeze and hated when others do it. Now I know why!

Thanks for popping over. Glad my WIENER caught your eye! (that sounds wrong on soooo many levels!)

Glad you like the WTF blankie – spread the wealth!


Tuscanystone said
January 29, 2009 at 7:25 am

Hmm! I read about this too. Could explain why people tend to be fatter in winter too; lots more virus’s abound. Or perhaps its’ just the festive season. Or perhaps we just eat too much!?

I dunno. Next they’ll be telling us a cup cake a day keeps old age away! 😉

Believe what you read, it’s all true! 😉

Tusc 😀

Charlie said
January 29, 2009 at 7:26 am

This is what Hallie is talking about, everybody. I’m spreading the wealth:

Biz, you need to see it more than anyone.

meg said
January 29, 2009 at 8:55 am

Love the sneeze theory! You crack me up Charlie!

Helen said
January 29, 2009 at 9:23 am

Well, I’m gonna sue whoever gave me the bug, once I figure out who that is.

Nick said
January 29, 2009 at 10:03 am

I think the real cause is going to Denny’s and walking by the trucker eating 47 pancakes who just sneezed 3 pancakes down your throat without you even knowing it.

Jennifer said
January 29, 2009 at 11:40 am

So that’s my problem!

I liked the video too! Funny, although I would like one of those blankets and since my birthday is coming soon! Ha!

Deborah said
January 29, 2009 at 12:05 pm

I heard that on the news yesterday and started to call my doctor to see if there were any anit-biotics for it :o)

I’m sure that’s what I have :o)

Betty said
January 29, 2009 at 2:22 pm

you mean, mcdonalds is ok if we stick to the drive through and have the least amount of human contact possible?

Fattygetsfit said
January 29, 2009 at 4:30 pm

is this for real?!?!?!

Charlie said
January 29, 2009 at 4:35 pm

I know I like to make stuff up around here, but not this one. Unless it’s an elaborate hoax, it’s definitely making the rounds:

Lyn said
January 29, 2009 at 5:21 pm

I think someone sneezed on me about 600 times…