Miracle Weight Loss Plan


New Miracle Plan Dissolves Fat On Contact


What would you say if I told you it were possible to lose a pound OR MORE a day WITHOUT DIETING? What if I told you that you could eat all the foods you wanted and still lose weight?

This skinny woman here, culled from a variety of royalty-free stock images, has probably thought about using our product at some point, and look at her! She’s a dieting expert and so can you!

pillsThe secret lies in our two-part weight loss plan. First, you take our miracle supplement, the clinically proven Iostaticon 4000 DL. Chock full o’ super antioxidants, exotic herbs, and frog parts, this stuff burns fat like a pork rendering plant. (That smell you give off means it’s working!)

lettuce-sandwichThe second part involves eating delicious and nutritious lettuce sandwiches. You eat one of these per hour, eight hours per day, seven days a week. Each sandwich should be accompanied by our Fortified Bottled Tap Water.

ACT NOW!!! Today ONLY: a full 30 day supply of Iostaticon and Lettuce is $399.99 $199.99 $49.99 only sixteen easy payments of $29.99. But wait. Order within the next thirty seconds and we’ll make your first payment for you! That’s just fifteen payments of $29.99 plus $17.99 shipping and handling.

Hi. Charlie here. Sorry about that. But as I scour the interwebs looking for news, stories, and things to write about, I can’t help but click on the occasional ad. Every time I look at one I’m reminded of my favorite Charlie Brown line ever: “I don’t mind your dishonesty half as much as I mind your opinion of me.” I have to ask myself, who buys this stuff? Because obviously someone is buying it, or they wouldn’t keep selling it.

Then I really start to think it through and I feel bad. I know exactly who buys this. The people who are fed up, or lost, or who have “tried everything” and are desperate for something—for anything—to work. The ads invariably give guarantees, but the only thing guaranteed is another failure.

I don’t have an answer or a funny joke, because I think this stuff is sad and there’s very little I can do about it, other than whine. I’m definitely good at that. Does anyone know anyone who’s purchased any miracle diet pills? Anyone tried it yourself? Any stories to tell? I’m sure some of these products have to work on some level, or they wouldn’t keep on selling their snake oil. All I know is I don’t know anyone.

How about you?

14 Responses to “Miracle Weight Loss Plan”

Vicki said
October 23, 2008 at 12:17 am

Hi Charlie~ A girl I used to work with started taking fen-phen. She lost weight, but started having heart problems. It scared the crap out of her because she had 2 small children. I don’t trust any kind of pill. And what about those…don’t know what they are exactly, but you swallow them with a glass of water and they expand in your stomach so you fill full. That doesn’t even sound right. I’d be afraid it’d expand to much and my stomach would burst. I guess I’m just to paranoid to take something to help me lose weight. I’d rather stay the way I am if I can’t do it just through diet and exercise. Which I have proven over and over and over I can. Once I stop procrastinating that is. (Is there a pill for that?) I also have to learn how to stop gaining it back.

HangryPants said
October 23, 2008 at 4:38 am

Oooh lettuce sandwiches. On white bread even. Sounds delish! haha.

Megan said
October 23, 2008 at 8:42 am

All your thoughts are so true!

Biz said
October 23, 2008 at 11:03 am

That’s just the thing. If you do anything, i.e., Atkins, Weight Watchers, the Zone, whatever it is, and you burn more calories by exercise and eat less, you are going to lose weight!

Whatever you stick with is your miracle diet!

Thanks for the post Charlie!

Charlie said
October 23, 2008 at 11:27 am

Maybe that’s the pill we need, Vicki. Not to help us lose weight but to not gain it all back.

Joe S. said
October 23, 2008 at 9:42 pm

In my younger and dumber days every time I tried to lose some weight I’d go buy the latest and greates diet pill at GNC. Now I realize all I did is flush my money down the drain. Theres only one way to lose weight and thats with exercise and good food. The problem is that you can’t write a $30 book about that or put it in pill form.

Christie said
October 23, 2008 at 11:59 pm

The only pill I can confess to is red cider vinegar pill. I once had an evil baby sitter as a chubby pre-teen who would make me drink red cider vinegar shots straight up to help me lose weight. When I was a little older I thought, “Hey, you don’t even have to drink the vinegar anymore. Now you can take a pill with all the vinegar type stuff in it!”.

And yeah, it was a total waste of money.

Charlie said
October 24, 2008 at 4:16 am

Ironically, Akismet trapped a spam comment on this post that read:

Weight loss pills does good amount of work to dissolve fat and burn it. However, before you start doing quick fat loss tips, you need to make sure they are right for you. I can suggest you to go for weight loss program which gives a good effect. Go through this weight loss program.

Which led to a web site which looked amazingly similar to the parody above. In fact, it was even better. It was a parody of itself and it didn’t even know it.

Steph Bachman said
October 24, 2008 at 5:11 am

The “Green Dieter’s Tea” that is sold in health foods stores and Whole Foods is one of those miracle weight loss plans. It causes severe GI distress followed by . . . evacuation. Which, if you could stand to drink it every day (doubtful) might cause you to lose weight because none of your food would be absorbed.

But, the GI distress is very unpleasant.

Jennifer said
October 24, 2008 at 8:46 am

My girlfriend at work tried the “tea” you mentioned. She asked if I wanted some. However, she warned me to do it at home and be close to a bathroom! No thanks!

Debbie said
October 28, 2008 at 12:37 am

Charlie, I am the typical, “I just know this will work this time” person. I have done the pills (Licopene, Hydrowhatever, Coral Calicum, Fastin, Atkins, BodyForLife) You name it I have drank it, eaten it, or taken it. Recently I checked into gastric bypass…. I am now on a healthy program, Weight Watchers, and have good role models, (son,daughter, bloggers like Roni) and I have seen great results….but my key is that this is NOT a gimmick, it is a way of life, one that I can stay with. and no I am not a spokesperson for WW lol. I enjoy your humor and if we cant chuckle at ourselves we are in deep dodo.

Natalia Burleson said
October 29, 2008 at 5:02 am

Funny, but sad post. I remember ordering Richard Simmons Deal a Meal, how old am I, for those of you that have never heard of it! A group of us at work, also many moons ago, tried the cabbage soup diet. LOL talk about intestinal problems. The diet only lasted a day. The intestinal problems much longer! I think I ordered Chitosan pills. Anybody have a bridge they want to sell?

Charlie said
October 29, 2008 at 6:21 am

Just the sound of “Cabbage Soup diet” gives me intestinal problems…

LisaNewton said
November 25, 2008 at 12:05 am

I’ve never done pills, but I understand why people have. Everyone wants a quick fix, and the hope of one being there is very tempting.

Great post………………..:)