MountainBerry Punch

My topic trend of discontinued flavors now brings us to Kool-Aid’s MountainBerry Punch. While few people would use “Kool-Aid” and “gastronomic delights” in the same sentence, it’s only because few people know about this once-great flavor of sugary, mix-it-yourself beverage. To think that it’s no longer available brings a lump to my throat.

Kool-Aid has been around, believe it or not, for over eighty years. The original seven flavors were Cherry, Grape, Lemon-Lime, Orange, Raspberry, Strawberry, and (believe it or not) Root Beer. As you can tell from this list, most Kool-Aid flavors are fairly self-explanatory. That is to say, no one will spend hours or perhaps even days contemplating what fruit the “Grape” flavor is supposed to recall.

But MountainBerry! What exactly is a MountainBerry? All we really have to go on is the illustration on the package. I can easily pick out the strawberry, as well as the raspberry. I might hazard a guess of “mulberry” for the third. For the final one, hmmm . . . let’s just go with snozberry.

Of course, no actual berries were ever harmed in the making of MountainBerry Punch. The ingredients on back simply say: “artificial flavor.” Which means in place of the strawberry, we’re probably drinking isobutyl acetate. So you can just replace that romantic image of apron-clad, old-world Berry Maids hand-pressing fruits with the more sterile image of people in white lab coats conducting the esterification of isobutanol with acetic acid procedure.

And that, I am sure, is what made this mysterious concoction so absolutely wonderful. Nature can only take you so far before good, old-fashioned chemistry carries you home. MountainBerry had a very dark, rich body—sweet, but not sugary—with just that subtle hint of pine cones giving you the full mountain experience.

Okay, I’m kidding about the pine flavor. And for all I know, I’m full of crap about the flavor itself. After all, it’s been more than twenty years since I’ve had some. The opening photo above represents the three packets still in my possession and I have no intention of preparing them. Ever. The last time I remember actually drinking this flavor was when I walked into the kitchen one day and found a certain, anonymous spouse stirring up something.

“What’s that?” I asked casually.
“Kool-Aid,” the culprit replied.
I glanced at the torn package.
“MountainBerry! You’re making MountainBerry! Aahhhhh!!!!”
“What’s the big deal? It’s just Kool-Aid. We’ll buy more.”
“We’ll buy more for seventy-five bucks on eBay! They don’t make this any more!”

I quickly took the remaining three packets and moved them to my safety deposit box. I then added a line in my will stating that we can fix one package on my deathbed but that the remaining two packets be auctioned by Sotheby’s (opening bid, $350,000 each).