The Fatty Melt

zombieZombie kid says it all. I like cheeseburgers. There are many words I like to use to describe them, but one stands out in particular. And that word is: elegant. I’m sure this isn’t the word that springs to most minds. This adjective is normally applied to objects of a high grade or quality. However, I like to think that simplicity is a large factor of elegance. And you can’t get much simpler than jamming a slab of ground beef between two halves of a bun.

Humans (either fortunately or unfortunately) tend to be “simple adverse”. As soon as we’ve got something all set and figured out, we’re not content to just leave it be. We have to improve it. We’re compelled to somehow make it better. We just can’t leave well enough alone. (Exhibit A being Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.)

Just in case you haven’t seen it yet, I now present, The Fatty Melt:


Photograph by Robyn Lee

Oh, it might look like an ordinary cheeseburger at first glance, but take a look at that bun. The top and bottom buns are GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES. This monstrosity was brought to us by Adam Kuban over at A Hamburger Today (which is the blog *I* would be writing if I wasn’t wasting all my time on this one).

So imagine what adoring fans said when presented with this masterpiece. We love it? Thank you? This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to us? No! They said, “Where’s the bacon?” Gasp! Where are your manners?

Unfazed, Adam delivered. He put bacon on the grilled cheese sandwiches and bacon on the burger. Zoinks. Of course by now, he was wise to y’all. He wasn’t going to wait for you to complain a second time. So in a preemptive strike against the ungrateful masses, he introduced the Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt:


Top, middle, and bottom buns: each a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich. Two four-ounce patties in between, also decorated with bacon and cheese. It’s a stroke of genius, I tell you. Or, at the very least, a stroke.

He didn’t post the *ahem* nutritional info because, frankly, this burger is for entertainment purposes only. And anyone who actually does attempt it, isn’t going to be worried about something like “how many points are in this sandwich?” But for fun, I made a quick estimate: 2,150 calories.

Wow. So there you have it. I can’t imagine a burger getting much better/worse than this one. At least until next week.

Tune in then when we travel to Clearfield, Pennsylvania and find the unholy monster burger which absolutely dwarfs the double bacon fatty melt.

Then I swear I’ll get back to healthy food. Scout’s Honor.

20 Responses to “The Fatty Melt”

Kathy said
October 21, 2008 at 3:36 am

And Hardee’s hasn’t grabbed this one up yet??? But you forgot the mayo!!!

John's Weight Loss Blog said
October 21, 2008 at 5:04 am

OMG, I hate to admit but that actually looks pretty good. A “stroke” of genius indeed. I read this week that some guy ate a 15lb burger with 5 lbs on condiments in some contest somewhere. now that’s sick!

Charlie said
October 21, 2008 at 6:23 am

Aw, John, now there you go giving away the topic of next week’s post. 😉

Adam K said
October 21, 2008 at 6:39 am

Thanks for recognizing that it’s “for entertainment purposes only.” Heh. I’ve had a lot of people ask me how I could finish this. Truth is, I had a couple bites of the Bacon Fatty Melt but not the Double Bacon FM. No one in the office tried it — it was just to gigantic to even attempt to eat.

Rachael said
October 21, 2008 at 6:47 am

Dang it, Charlie! Now I’m having a craving for bacon!

Megan said
October 21, 2008 at 7:49 am

Oh my goodness! Look at that thing. My husband would love this!

Betsy in Pittsburgh said
October 21, 2008 at 8:53 am

I want to tear in to that thing like there is no tomorrow… cheeseburgers make my knees week.

And I’m notorious for ordering “like a 5 year old” at diners, “Grilled cheese and chocolate milk, please!”

Lori said
October 21, 2008 at 9:05 am

Oh wow, the first one actually looked halfway appetizing. The second one, not so much, for me anyway. I think my heart is actually hurting just looking at it. 🙂

Someplace will pick up this idea, no doubt.

Abigail Thurlow said
October 21, 2008 at 10:11 am

I would TOTALLY eat that burger…if I wasn’t trying to to be healthy that is…haha

Stems said
October 21, 2008 at 10:58 am

Thanks for the dinner idea!

Biz said
October 21, 2008 at 1:24 pm

My mouth waters just looking at that!

I wonder if you could do a scaled down “healthier version?!”

Like use turkey bacon instead of real bacon.

Jennifer said
October 21, 2008 at 2:23 pm

I think the second one looks more like 5,000 calories!

Suko said
October 21, 2008 at 4:40 pm

The second one looks like
“the heart attack” special, buy two and you get a free ambulance ride to the ER.

RooBabs said
October 21, 2008 at 5:45 pm

Thanks for stopping by my blog Charlie. Sorry about not playing fair with the tarantula picture! = )

I love your blog- I will have to delve more (your format is soooo clever!!!)

About the Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt, is it wrong that it looks kind of tasty? Definitely a stroke on a plate, though. And it’s only about double the calories of the Carl’s Jr. Six Dollar Guacamole Bacon Burger that I downed about a week ago. Luckily I don’t eat red meat very often- maybe my body was craving iron or something (smilingly sheepishly).

Cammy said
October 21, 2008 at 7:49 pm

I’m a cheeseburger lover, too, but that bacon/cheeseburger combo kind of makes me queasy. 🙂

(thanks for stopping by my blog with such great words of encouragement. And for letting me know where to find you. I suspect we’re going to get along just fine.)

Holly said
October 22, 2008 at 6:45 am

Hooooooly sandwich! I LOVE bacon. Now I need to go find some. Darn yogurt.

Tony said
October 22, 2008 at 11:38 am

I have never had such a strong emotional attachment with a burger before, but this could be love I am feeling!

johngl said
October 22, 2008 at 8:33 pm

I think I will shoot for a slider-sized version of this thing as an appetizer.

Back to the Fridge » Size Matters said
October 28, 2008 at 12:02 am

[…] it doesn’t end there. Of course not! As we learned last week, we humans are not capable of being satisfied with any significant achievement. We must constantly […]

Tuscanystone said
November 20, 2008 at 7:43 am

Has anyone/thing (apart from a yawning hippo) got a mouth that big?? There’s just no way I could even bite into it!

It belongs in the Tate Modern (art gallery). Very artistic and creative, but not fit for human consumption :o)