Ouch, Part 1

The story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. It was Wednesday, July 8, 2015, around eight o’clock in the morning. I had just woken up from a good night’s sleep. Work had been hard lately: long days and long weeks piling up. I’d been trying to hit deadlines so tight that even a thing that could hit tight deadlines couldn’t hit them.

Fortunately, this streak of excessive work had been broken up just the week before when we took our family vacation. I need to talk about this trip just a little before we get back to Wednesday, July 8, 2015 around eight o’clock in the morning. You see, there’s a key element in this respite that sets up a plot point required for both this blog post and the next.

Every other year we head to an east coast state, let’s just call it Pirginia, to spend a week at my aunt’s vacation house. It’s a great getaway and has become a cherished family tradition. Of the many benefits of this biennial excursion, I look forward to hanging out with my cousin, Pryon Pinson.

During the one hundred and three weeks when we’re not hanging out in person, we spend time together solely via email discussing the arts, philosophy, and trading cat pictures. While this is all well and good, it’s nothing like that one hundred and fourth week where we get to laze about the waterside and trade cat pictures in person.

What I don’t look forward to each year, is watching Pryon wince in pain, basically twenty-four-seven. You see, Pryon suffers from a condition, known in medical terms as chronic lower-backium tormentus. I don’t know exactly when he contracted it, but I do know he’s been to every chiropractor, acupuncturist, spineologist, doctor and witch-doctor on the eastern seaboard. To date, no treatment, drug, or surgery seems to have produced any result other than the chiropractor, acupuncturist, spineologist, doctor, or witch-doctor shrugging his or her shoulders with a huh-I-sure-thought-that-would-work while handing him a bill for “services rendered.”

It was Wednesday, July 8, 2015 around eight o’clock in the morning. I had just woken up from a good night’s sleep. Why was it a good night’s sleep? Because after my return to the real world two days prior, I had firmly made up my mind to “turn things around.” Among other things, this meant exercising again. I’d gotten back into exercise quite a bit beginning in February, when the company I work for, Papple, offered a “wellness challenge.” I accepted the challenge and immediately began seeing results. Sadly, that ended two months prior when my workload got out of control, but all that was going to change now. On the first Monday back, I hit the treadmill. Then again on Tuesday. This was heading in a good direction.

Then came Wednesday, July 8, 2015 around eight o’clock in the morning. I had just climbed out of bed and went through my usual morning routine: head to my desk, check up on email, and invest forty-five minutes or so researching cat pictures. As the clock approached nine, it was time to shower, dress, and head to work. I stood up and—ouch—my back.

“Dang it!” I said to myself. “Not again.”

The first time this happened was in 1998 or so. I stepped out of the shower one morning and make the stupid mistake of taking my towel off the hook. This mad act forced me to walk around bent at a right angle for about a week. Eventually it just got better on its own and I thought nothing more of it. Until a few years later when it happened again. Same routine. I did something stupid, like tie my shoe or pour myself a glass of water, and—ouch—my back. It’d last about a week, then I’d be perfectly fine again. Until a few years later when it happened again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Except that today is Friday, September 25, 2015. It’s been more than a week now. More than two weeks even. And my back still hurts. I’ve even tried all three surefire techniques to fix it: 1) waiting, 2) riding it out, and 3) waiting. But none of them have worked this time. And I’m officially worried now, because I see what Pryon has gone through and can only wonder: will surfing the internet for cat pictures ever be the same again?

Tune in next week for Part 2.

11 Responses to “Ouch, Part 1”

Biz said
September 25, 2015 at 7:42 am

Aw, that stinks Charlie. The same thing happened to Jeff – twice I even had to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital because he literally could not move without sheer agony.

So are you still going to ride it out??

    Charlie said
    September 25, 2015 at 7:52 am

    Well, you’ll just have to wait until Part 2 now, won’t you?

Laurie Kelly said
September 25, 2015 at 7:43 am

In the interest of getting back to the catt pictures, you may want to try DMSO. It’s an over the counter painkiller that works almost instantly. I have a pain I got from turning over in bed, or breathing wrong, and I’ve been to the same specialists your cousin went to. I have all of the bills to prove it. Medicine can be very limited. If you google DMSO, you’ll find a lot of info. Some of it questionable, but Dr Andrew Weil suggests it for pain, so that took it out of quackery mode for me. I’ve been using it about a year with splendid results and have passed it on to friends who were also pain free after using it. You can order it online for under $20 and you will be very happy. Mix dmso with distilled water, rub on, breathe sigh of relief. Cheap, easy peasy, pain free. Life is good again. Go look at more cats.

    Charlie said
    September 25, 2015 at 7:53 am

Teacher Supplies Plus ("Not Just Teacher Supplies!") said
September 25, 2015 at 9:27 am

One of the best cures for lower back pain is sitting in a Lazy-Boy chair, drinking one gallon of beer and eating fried potatoes, while watching Wizard People, Dear Reader.

    Charlie said
    September 25, 2015 at 10:30 am

    Please write me a prescription.

JohnGL said
September 25, 2015 at 11:56 am

This post reminds me of Alice’s Restaurant for some reason.

I hope you feel better soon!

    Charlie said
    September 25, 2015 at 2:57 pm

    I’ll try setting it to music and see how it goes.

Moe said
September 25, 2015 at 1:30 pm

Well, I’m bummed for you that your back is busted up. I will still tune in to the next episode to see what happens next because you make your pain so fun to read about. I’m not really sure how that last sentence comes off, but I’m mostly a nice person, I swear.

    Charlie said
    October 1, 2015 at 5:57 am

    Outside of Actual Medical Treatment, blogging about pain in an enjoyable way is the best medicine.

Back to the Fridge » Ouch, Part 2 said
October 2, 2015 at 1:02 am

[…] Ouch, Part 1 Charlie said, "Outside of Actual Medical Treatment, blogging about pain in an enjoyable way is the […]