Trying to eat right and buy healthy foods is hard enough as it is. But then we have to deal with highly paid marketing departments whose sole purpose is to trick us into buying crap we don’t need. Now I can’t really fault them for that. That is, of course, their job. They get paid for it, take the money home to their families, and use it to buy crap that they don’t need either, some of which was probably made by the company you work for. It’s the Circle of Life.
So when visiting the grocery store to stock your cupboards, remember these words: caveat emptor. This is an important Latin phrase made up of three important Latin words: caveat which means “Watch your back”, emp meaning “while you’re walking through the grocery”, and tor meaning “store or you’ll buy a bunch of stuff you neither need nor want.”
Safe navigation of the grocery store requires, in the words of the immortal Mad-Eye Moody, CONSTANT VIGILANCE! You not only have to read the labels but also have to translate them into common ordinary language. And therein lies the rub.
But fear not. I have gone ahead and done all the hard work for you. That is, after all, why I’m here. Just print out this handy cheat sheet, head to the store, and you’ll be armed and ready for any marketing attack.
|What It Says||What It Means|
|Trans Fat Free||Full of Good Old Fashioned Regular Fat|
|Sugar Free||Chemist’s Delight|
|Fat Free||We Doubled The Sugar|
|Low Sodium||100% Taste Free|
|Made with Whole Grains||Two Cups of Sugar’ll Fix That|
|A Good Source of Vitamins||Not a Good Source of Vitamins|
|May Reduce Cholesterol||If You Eat Fourteen Bowls of it per Day|
|Whitewheat Bread||White Bread|
|Ready in Ten Minutes!||Your ambulance, that is.|
I hope this helps you on your journey to a better self. Before signing off for the day, I leave you with this scary product: