Welcome to the second part of my mini-series, The Soda Chronicles. This is Part Two, or Why I Switched from Regular Soda Pop to Diet Soda Pop.
Unlike last week’s semi-rhetorical question, this one is easy to answer: calories. When I realized that the drinks I was guzzling down contained levels of sugar that could be measured in kilograms per week, I knew something had to be done. But what? As I saw it, there were four and only four alternative beverage choices:
Pros: Required for carbon-based lifeforms to survive. Healthy. The Right Thing to Do.
Cons: Yum! Piping hot pizza and water! Sign me up!
Pros: Contains high amounts of water. Contains caffeine.
Cons: Contains high amounts of water. Contains caffeine.
Pros: Sugar free.
Cons: Tastes like feet.
Pros: Delicious. Improves personality. Required for carbon-based lifeforms to survive.
Based on my in-depth analysis, this decision was a no-brainer. I went with the choice of a new generation: beer. At first, my beverage alternative went well. I easily swapped out my six cans of soda a day for six pints of beer. My life changed in so many ways. I believe the biggest benefit was how my lunch hour suddenly stretched out to three.
But then I hit a roadblock. You might not believe this, but beer has calories. I didn’t actually solve anything and it was back to the drawing board.
What to do, what to do.
Much to my dismay, I found myself going with Plan B: the Diet Soda option. It didn’t start out well. Getting over the taste of feet took an iron will. But I kept at it and after only three or four years, I was suddenly enjoying Diet Coke just for the taste of it. For real.
And life was wonderful. For the next twenty-plus years, I thoroughly enjoyed upwards of 374,891 cans of diet soda pop. It was the perfect accompaniment for piping hot pizza. Or piles and piles of french fries. Or Kashi cereal. No calories and no downsides. It seemed like this match made in heaven would last forever.
[Cue the “dum-dum-duuuum” audio clip…]
Or would it?
Tune in next week for Part Three and find out what could possibly go wrong with this perfect match.