The Greatest of These…

If I write a story to rival Hemmingway or Steinbeck, but have not an ending, I am only a whining blogger or a pathetic author wannabe. If I have the gift of prose and can understand the difference between “lie” and “lay”, and if I can write for thirty days straight, but have not an ending, I am nothing. If I pour everything I have into every page, but have not an ending, I gain nothing.

The ending is important, the ending is paramount. It does not leave you hanging, it does not leave you disappointed, it does not peter out into nothing. It does not annoy, it does not anger, it does not cause readers to petition Amazon.com for a “zero star” rating. It always satisfies, always suits, always gratifies.

The ending should never fail. When I was a child. I wrote like a child, I plotted like a child, I mixed up verb tenses like a child. When I became a writer, I tried to put childish ways behind me. When perfection comes, the pesky imperfect middle chapters are forgiven. This I finally realize, though I knew it all along.

So remember! Every story has three parts: beginning, middle, and end. But the greatest of these is the end.

(I’m screwed…)

Exercise Anywhere

This rerun is brought to you by the Number 3 and by the Letters “Writer’s” and “Block”. In April 2009, I did a virtual book tour. This is the post I wrote for Cranky Fitness. Although, since I never posted it here I suppose technically it’s not a rerun. And since you might have missed it anyway, it just might be brand new. So never mind.

Way back at the end of January 2009, I was contacted by NURU asking if I’d do a product review and/or giveaway. Can you imagine? A company trying to promote its products via the blogosphere! I mean, next thing you know people will start selling banner ads on the internet.

So I said, “Sure,” most likely placing me forever in their debt due to the fine print I missed on the verbal agreement. The product? “Exercise Anywhere” cards. According to the official blurb:

NURU’s Exercise Anywhere is for anyone who wants to improve their physique–regardless of whether they have access to a gym. Sized to fit in the palm of your hand, these 30 ultra-thin, waterproof cards provide innovative, “do-anywhere” cardio and muscle-strengthening exercises designed to get your blood pumping.

Hmmm… interesting idea, actually. Keep them in your pocket and you may just be inspired to exercise anywhere. I can’t fault them for that. It’s much better than the Eat Anywhere plan I’ve been on the previous twenty years.

To give you an idea of what the system is like, I thought I’d risk a bit of copyright violation to show you excerpts from the cards side by side with old Charlie here trying out the exercises.

First, the ever-popular situp. I was in the middle of working on the potato soup recipe when I decided adding more potatoes to my midsection was the last thing I needed.

The next day it was back to work. As I was running late for my first meeting of the day, I decided I really needed to do some lower back extensions. I dropped my bag and hit the floor. Ahhhh… that felt good.

About halfway through the meeting, I realized I was feeling a bit flabby and took a few minutes for some squats.

After the meeting I was hungry. Time to hit Vend-O-Land. As I scanned the veritable cornucopia of snackfoods before me, that nagging voice cried out once again, “You don’t need any more Cheez-Its!” Grumbling, I told my boss to shut up, and I took to the floor.

I made it through another heavy work week just in time to relax with a leisurely Saturday morning of mowing. I tell you, nothing breaks up the monotony of trimming the green with some exercising.

Hot and sweaty, I decided to cool down and clean up in the tub. At which point I realized I hadn’t done my bicycle crunches for the day!

Once up and dressed, it was time for a quick trip to the store to pick up a few things for dinner. Whilst perusing the rice and beans aisle, I decided upon the rice and a “Pike’s Pushup.”

Unfortunately, I got halfway home before realizing I forgot the one thing I went to the store for: the chicken. Rather than turn around and go back, I realized was just across the street from a McDonald’s. Stopped there, grabbing a quick bite followed by a quick set of table chin-ups.

I have to tell you, I didn’t believe them at first when they said I could exercise anywhere. How wrong I was. If you’re the type of person who never works out because you don’t have the equipment or the expensive gym membership, you now have no more excuses. Pick up a pack of these cards and just do it!

Vacation Recap

Hey, everybody! Yes, I’m still here. No, I didn’t fall off the face of the earth. I just went on vacation. And although I was only gone about a week, the beginning and end of the break just happened to land on my regular posting day: Monday. Hence, the long hiatus.

Oh sure, I could have posted something last Tuesday, but that would have required turning on a computer and I simply didn’t have that much energy. I then thought about posting something Thursday, but I got sidetracked by eighty-two new spam comments.

And as much as I’m sure the world has been waiting with baited breath to find out how much I weigh this week, I’ll forgo the usual report and just give the vacation recap.

First up, this is what I look like on vacation:

I’m on a boat. I’m wearing a life preserver. And I’m really happy. Can’t you tell?

As much fun as the boat ride was, getting in the water is even more fun. Why? Because if you don’t get in the water, you don’t get the opportunity to take oddball pictures like this:

I’ve looked at that picture about a dozen times now and it still cracks me up.

When not in the water, most of our time is spent eating. I’ll spare you the images of my face buried in a bag of Chex Mix and move on to some of the other outdoor activities.

I shot a gun for the first time in about three decades. I’ll probably wait another thirty years before trying it again.

Ditto for the bow and arrow, which I enjoyed much more.

I didn’t actually hit the target much, but then again I was also standing about ninety yards away. Just hitting the hay bales was my only goal.

This is my niece Hannah, of Biggest Diabetic Loser fame. I think we’ve found our Christmas Card 2009 photo.

I did play some badminton for a while. That’s probably the only thing that even remotely offset the Chex Mix problem:

We brought a ball to play with:

Some of the natural wildlife:

And, of course, this photo diary wouldn’t be complete without at least one food picture. Here’s the quintuple stuff Oreo cookie I made. I’ll post the recipe later.

And lastly, this was a very nice view from the plane on the way home:

I might upload the other 839 photos at some point. But first I have one last bag of Chex Mix to finish. Next week we’ll see how things are in Onederland.

Ugh. Vacation and diets do not mix.

Ideality vs Reality

Wow. A whole week between posts! How very strange. Not that that’s good or bad in and of itself—just different. I suppose it’s like breaking any sort of routine or habit. Like the week after finals or when they suddenly (and without warning) make you turn around and skate clockwise at the roller rink.

Did you miss me? I know all my spammers did. Especially this guy:

I’m really happy Mike thinks I write well and that I should write more about it. That’s what makes it all worth it.

Anyway, I’m back today. If you’re wondering what I did with all my copious amounts of free, non-blogging time this past week, I basically spent it at work. ’Nuff said.

If you’re wondering how the Magical Mystery Tour went this week, then you’ve definitely come to the right place. Today I wanted to talk about the difference between what’s ideal and what’s real. Ideality is getting that six-week term paper done four days after it was handed out. Reality is getting that six-week term paper done four minutes before you have to hand it in.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

The usual story. I’d love to say, “Gosh, why do these things keep happening to me?” But I can’t. Not when the answer lies close at hand in an empty box of Cheez-Its.

Week 46
Starting Weight 224.0
Current Weight 196.14
Change from Last Week +1.07
Lost So Far 27.857 lbs

Here’s the usual chart. I think it’s official: I’m in a rut. Granted, I’d rather lose 27.857 pounds and be in a rut than lose 3.729 pounds and be in a rut. But a rut’s a rut no matter where you are. That being said, I haven’t gone back and looked at the big-picture graph lately, and I probably should. Right after I get back from the store, replenishing my Cheez-It supplies.

So what else didn’t go as planned? Well, in the 34 minutes a day I’m not at work, not in the car, and not sleeping, I thought I would move forward on the new book. (I did promise to tell y’all about it more. I haven’t yet. I will at some point.)

Exhibit A, the number of pages I was going to write:

Exhibit B:

All joking aside (okay, that wasn’t a joke) I did make some progress. But it’s all (what I call) research & development. No actual work on the book itself. Stay tuned for more details. Especially you, Mike. I know how much you like my writing.

Things I Don’t Understand

Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve always considered myself slightly smarter than the average bear. I primarily watch history and science shows on television. I know off the top of my head that the gamma factor in relativity theory is equal to one over the square root of one minus v-squared over c-squared. And I can put my pants on all by myself.

But I have to admit there are a few things I’ve never understood and I don’t think I ever will. Here’s a partial list:

  • How did Ebeneezer Scrooge get so rich when his entire job seemed to consist no more than of sitting in a dusty office writing lines in a book? Who actually paid him to do that and how rich was that guy?
  • I’ve studied aeronautical engineering, have flown flight simulators, and had at least one real life airplane under my complete control for at least five minutes. I still don’t understand how air rushing over the top of the wing faster than the bottom makes it go up.
  • Why does my car go 300 miles on the first half tank of gas and only twenty miles on the second half?
  • Air molecules rushing into the vacuum formed by a lightning bolt simply cannot sound like thunder.
  • Why can I have two entire weeks of eating around 2,000 calories a day or less, then on one day I accidentally eat 3,200 calories and I gain three and a half pounds overnight?
  • And why can I get right back on the program and it takes another two weeks to lose it?
  • Seriously … why?

Here’s what a great week looks like. Had I posted last Monday, instead of taking a lazy day off, you would have seen this chart:

I even hit 194 in there again. Then I go and eat too much that one stupid day. Just one day, mind you, and this is what happens:

Yeah, yeah. Probably too much salt. Probably retaining water. Probably bad karma. I’ve heard it all. So that doesn’t explain why hopping right back on the wagon for another week results in this. See? I was getting right back on track then BAM! it’s up again:

The worst part? Look at the net result of this two weeks:

Week 44
Starting Weight 224.0
Current Weight 196.4
Change from Two Weeks Ago -0.2
Lost So Far 27.6

Oh well. It’s not like I’m surprised. I mean, I’ve been at this for nearly twenty years now. It’s not like I haven’t seen weigh in weirdness before. So I just look at it this way: I’m still in Onederland. Plus, I did hit the 30 pound mark again (oddly enough on Day 300: something a numbers geek like me got a smile out of). And eventually I’ll think 194 is a big number. Even an old humbug like Scrooge would be impressed.