Scary Stuff

My friend Stephanie and I have struggled with weighty issues for nigh on two decades now. While we both still have our dietary vices, she got one problem licked but good: she gave up beer and pizza. “Wow!” you exclaim. “That’s impressive!” you shout in near disbelief. “So how did she do it?” you ask. Was it amazing willpower? Perhaps the desire to lose weight finally beat out the desire to be happy? No. Nothing so high and noble. Instead, she was diagnosed with a pesky little gluten intolerance problem. In short, she could keep eating the pizza and drinking the beer as long as she didn’t mind slowly killing herself from the inside out.

Fear is a great motivator. The great motivator as some would put it. True, people are driven by positive forces and strong desires, but nowhere near the way they are when things get scary. When it comes down to, say, wanting to buy some concert tickets vs. not wanting to stay in that burning building, guess which one wins?

Natural forces aside, scaring is also something people like to do to other people. We, as a species, make scary movies, scary amusement park rides, and tax laws. While sometimes the end goal is to just have fun, in a way all of it boils down to control. If people are motivated by fear, and you have the ability to scare them, then by the law of transitivity, you can control people.

So what’s this got to do with food? Um … I can’t remember. I had a point when I started this thing, then I began to ramble.

Oh, I remember. I just read yet another article about “scary stuff” at the grocery store. You’ve seen them. “Don’t buy anything with benzopropylalanonic acid in it, because there was this one study on two rats where one was given this stuff and the other wasn’t, and the rat who took it died four hours before the other rat.” I’m fairly certain the authors of these articles really are trying to help when they give out dire, dire warnings about all the poisons polluting absolutely every dang thing that we eat, but after a while it all just turns into noise.

You see, I have this theory that if you combined every dietary warning ever invented, you might actually discover that we shouldn’t put anything into our bodies that isn’t water. Worse, that water must come from a very specific, very approved source, and be one hundred percent free of contaminants and taste. And cost five bucks a bottle.

My advice to you, then, is to just try to keep a level head. Most of us agree that anything (good or bad) in moderation probably isn’t life-threatening. I’m sure we also agree that anything (good or bad) in extreme excess probably isn’t intelligent either. If you happen to accidentally ingest a quarter gram of some trans fats, I don’t think your pancreas will explode within thirty seconds. If you accidentally ingest forty-eight hot dogs in a competitive eating event, you’ll live; but seriously, don’t ever do that again.

But if you do, then I’ve got a great article on nitrates you should read. I swear it’ll scare the beer and pizza right out of you.

Hey you! Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you. Is this the first time you’ve read my blog? Are you here day in and day out? Do you like what you see? Well then tell someone about it! Your sister might need a laugh today. And wasn’t your cousin just saying something about how she needs some good, humorous and yet worthless dieting advice? Or maybe you need an ice-breaker to hook up with that long lost friend from high school! Send them an email. Or, even better, talk about me on your blog. This public service announcement has been brought to you by a blogger desperate for more readership.



20 Responses to “Scary Stuff”

Charlie said
on
February 26, 2009 at 6:36 am

Sorry for the late post this morning. Every once in a while WordPress kindly changes the scheduled post time on me. Better six and a half hours late than never.

Mara @ What's For Dinner? said
on
February 26, 2009 at 7:16 am

How dare you post late?!

I’ve sent your site to a bunch of people, and I think my fiance reads it too!

Hilary said
on
February 26, 2009 at 7:22 am

“you might actually discover that we shouldn’t put anything into our bodies that isn’t water.”

But not toooo much water! Too much water can kill you, too :b. Oy.

Bet said
on
February 26, 2009 at 7:26 am

Standing Ovation.

Nope, scratch that.

Standing on my chair standing ovation.

Well said.

Anne (Happy Fun Pants) said
on
February 26, 2009 at 10:14 am

Dude. *

I’ve already featured you on my blog…which means that you’re getting me AND my sister reading your blog every day. Although probably not so much with her on the every day part. What can I say? She doesn’t “get” blogs.

I get your feeds through Google Reader though – so have you checked to see what your subscriptions are? Maybe that would make you feel better. It would probably especially make you feel better if you had pizza and beer while checking out your readership.

*the word “dude” is TOTALLY coming back. Or at least I’m using it until it’s popular again.

Biz said
on
February 26, 2009 at 10:35 am

Great post Charlie!! Was Stephanie the one that was in WW magazine??

Meg said
on
February 26, 2009 at 10:42 am

Love your PSA!

There are so many things in food that scare me. I am sure you have heard that bugs are used to create the red color in some yogurts.

Tom Rooney said
on
February 26, 2009 at 10:55 am

Love the take on the scary food stuff.

As for PSA

You may not believe this, but I have you on the blog roll on my site. I’ve been singing the praises of your brand of blog posts to anyone that is in ear shot. Of course having my own office without anyone around may be reason to think I’m not helping. Time to kick this up another notch.

JC said
on
February 26, 2009 at 12:47 pm

I’ve gotten way behind on blog reading but I like knowing your here and you make me smile.

Tuscanystone said
on
February 26, 2009 at 3:48 pm

I could handle a gluten allergy. You can still drink wine, yeah?

So many blogs to read. So little time! But I do read yours most days πŸ™‚

Tusc πŸ™‚

Stephanie said
on
February 26, 2009 at 5:21 pm

Here I sit, reading Charlie’s blog in my hotel room eat none other than a GLUTEN FREE pizza. πŸ™‚

What was truly SCARY to Charlie was that the pizza and a bottled water with tip cost over $40.

And btw, a gluten-free diet is the ONLY diet where I’ve never cheated.

Who’d a thunk that giving up beer, pizza, pasta, bread, cakes, cookies and the like would pack 40 pounds on me!!! πŸ™

Great post Charlie.

Stephanie

carolinebee said
on
February 26, 2009 at 6:00 pm

I’ll add u to my blogroll! Your blog is awesome- once I figured it out πŸ˜€ Very cool. Also, I am positive I eat a lot of things every day I can’t pronounce…so I’m totally on board with the moderation train!

Charlie said
on
February 26, 2009 at 6:16 pm

Can I ask what you had to figure out? If I’ve done something that’s turning people away, I will correct immediately. πŸ™‚

Sagan said
on
February 26, 2009 at 6:20 pm

Oh fear sure does it. So does food making you feel ill… pizza, movie theatre popcorn, and ice cream cake all just make me nauseous even though I like them. But at the same time I’m grateful that they don’t make me feel good because then I’m not tempted to eat them!

Tony Cannon said
on
February 26, 2009 at 7:47 pm

Charlie,

For me, figuring your blog out meant that the front page doesn’t look like other blogs. My limited intelligence is used to opening up a blog and reading the latest post. It took me a little while to figure out that the posts were on the side sticky notes. I would never squash your remarkable creativity, but this may be the problem.

This is just my opinion, perhaps others can comment.

Turns out your Sis didn’t marry a rocket scientist!

Charlie said
on
February 26, 2009 at 8:03 pm

Actually, I have heard that before, early on. The fridge is cute, but if it’s dysfunctional, then it should probably be changed.

I shall ponder.

Charlie said
on
February 26, 2009 at 8:08 pm

Oh and I did want to add my thanks to all my regular readers and every else who’s already put me on your own blogrolls. The PSA was obviously not directed at y’all. Just hoping to catch a few lurkers out there who may be too shy to spread the word. πŸ™‚

Kyddryn said
on
February 28, 2009 at 6:04 pm

Dude, you’re already ON the blogroll, and I’ve been pimpin’ you out to my friends for ages…I can’t help that they’re a bunch of slackers!

Seriously, I feel your pain, sugar – I sometimes wonder at the folks who get hundreds of comments within minutes of posting…but then again, I like swimming in calm waters, and wonder what sort of burden a bigger blog must be. Oh, well. Maybe I’ll just bake some bread and quit worrying about something I cannot control. Mmm…bread…butter…honey…

Dang. Drooled on the keyboard…

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

Kyddryn said
on
February 28, 2009 at 6:05 pm

Hey – didja notice I didn’t comment on your actual content?? I rock!!!

Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who keeps telling her Evil Genius that he can’t scare her because she’s only afraid of politicians, IRS agents, and smiling lawyers…but he tries anyway)

Laura Brandon said
on
March 6, 2009 at 9:34 pm

Trader Joe’s has nitrate-free hot dogs. They should use those in those contests. Might be a touch expensive, though.