Let’s Dance

While I don’t watch television very much, I’m nonetheless quite aware of two dance-related “reality” shows. Oddly enough, they’d be just the kind of reality show I might try out for in the universe where I’m twenty-five years younger, in great shape, and, well, you know, actually possess the ability to dance. Which I don’t. My moves make Joey Tribbiani look like Gregory Hines.

The first of these two shows is, as you might expect, Dancing with the Stars. I’ve never watched an entire episode. In fact, I don’t think I’ve watched more than five minutes total, and that includes the time I spent searching youtube for Marie Osmond’s fainting episode. Now I like the basic premise of the show: take one famous person and one regular person, pair them off, and then see which one faints first. Or dances the best. Doesn’t really matter. But while the show is a great idea in concept what really bothers me about it is the fact that I can’t tell who’s the star and who’s the regular person. I think it was the season before last that they had the big, long-awaited reveal. I saw names go by like Jeffrey Ross, Maurice Greene, Lance Bass, Warren Sapp, and I thought exactly how oldamI? Further, why did I feel this sudden and compelling urge to tell those kids outside to get off my lawn? At last, they announced Ted McGinley and I didn’t feel like a complete zero. Of course, with his arrival, it meant Dancing with the Stars was about to jump the shark.

The second dance reality show is So You Think You Can Dance? This is an absolutely wonderful show, of which I’ve now watched upwards of fifteen minutes’ worth. Like other “talent contests”, hopeful contestants, many of whom actually do think they can dance, hop around on stage until the judges tell them to stop. At this point many of them are stunned to find out that they cannot, indeed, dance. Which is unfortunate for them, but good for ratings. As you would expect, a few shining stars turn out and wow can they put on some impressive moves. I couldn’t move like that even if you ran a few thousand volts through me. I’d definitely be in the group of people put before the cameras solely for humiliation purposes. Oh, I can dance in the technical sense: music plays and my limbs flail around in near 4/4 time. If my moves were bowling, I’d be the dance equivalent of setting the ball on the ground between my legs and giving it a shove straight into the gutter. The country would have a good laugh at my expense and I’d only get a ticket to Vegas if that’s where this year’s White and Nerdy convention were being held.

No, I’d need to find a reality show that fits my own particular talents. I’m thinking something more along the lines of So You Think You Can Drink?

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