Hand Holding

I understand that a million different diet messages can make for some confusing times out there. The diet industry has never had a problem contradicting itself at any given time about what’s good, what’s bad, and what should simply be left alone. But I think there are a few things just about everybody can universally agree on. And one of them is that the burger pictured here is “not good for you.”

It weighs four pounds, comes on an eight-inch bun, clocks in at 4,800 calories, and a dietitian is asking ballpark owners to add a warning label to this thing. Sounds pointless to me. But I guess I should remember that this is the same society that requires a “do not eat” label on printer toner.

This hand-holding annoys me greatly. I’d like to think that there’s some sort of base level of competence we can target. You know, like, if it’s obvious to a fourth grader, you’re probably okay leaving off the “never iron clothes while they are being worn” sticker.

In this particular case, the dietitian wants this burger labeled “dietary disaster” that increases the risk of cancer and heart disease.

If there’s someone out there who thinks the four pound burger is health food, then this person is obviously a candidate for the Darwin Awards.

Plus, I don’t believe this burger causes cancer and heart disease and here’s why. Let’s say studies were done that determined that falling off a cliff was harmful to your health. Then some experts concluded you should never step off a curb. If you eat diets high in calories, saturated fat, and french fries constantly, then, yes, you’re probably in trouble. But if you head out to the ballpark once every few years and for fun you go in on this burger with a few friends and split it, then, no, you’re not going to immediately leave the ballpark on a stretcher.

This is just my long-winded way of saying “moderation.” And for those who argue that a 4,800 calorie burger isn’t “moderation” then I counter-argue that “moderation” doesn’t mean, “never ever ever having any fun whatsoever again.”

Besides, splitting this burger with a couple friends is no worse than a big Thanksgiving dinner. And I don’t see anyone campaigning to slap warning labels on turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes. Unless, of course, the label were to read, “Warning! Do not insert food directly into nostrils.”



12 Responses to “Hand Holding”

Tom Rooney said
on
April 16, 2009 at 6:49 am

Charlie,
One of my favorite pet peeves is the warning labels that are strictly for individuals that have arrived from other places within the solar system. When you break it down to its most finite state, the first warning should be on mother’s milk as it may cause you to experience all of life, both good and bad.

Quix said
on
April 16, 2009 at 10:06 am

The directions on shampoos bug me. Seriously? Did I have to be told by the bottle? Also, I don’t remember what brand, but one listed the “lather, rinse, repeat” and then provided a helpline for any questions.

On the subject of ridiculous food – I think things like this are less of a risk than more “reasonable-looking” restaurant food. Sure, this burger is 4800 calories, but it’s an EVENT. If you head to Chili’s and get one of their bacon cheeseburgers, they go up to 1800 calories, and that’s before the fries. In the past, I’ve totally done that and called it lunch and thought nothing of it. I think the “normal, everyday” super high calorie food is worse for us because as long as it fits into societal constraints of normal, we don’t think that we’re overeat.

Ok, enough rambling. 🙂

Biz said
on
April 16, 2009 at 11:08 am

It reminds me of that big burger we got in Iowa – was it Grandma Max’s?? But we split that burger as a family!

Mmmm. Now I want a burger! 😀

Anne (Happy Fun Pants) said
on
April 16, 2009 at 1:16 pm

I hate that you’re going to have to hold my hand in this, but I cannot find the blog that you were writing me about.

I’m happy to go and am prepared to laugh. 🙂

Anne (Happy Fun Pants) said
on
April 16, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Wait.

Nevermind.

I actually read your side column.

Sorry.

Anne (Happy Fun Pants) said
on
April 16, 2009 at 1:22 pm

Alright – this is the last one (I promise). All I have to say is that I heart that you heart Christopher Guest characters.

Charlie said
on
April 16, 2009 at 7:45 pm

I knew of everyone, you’d appreciate it. 🙂

Sagan said
on
April 16, 2009 at 10:27 pm

Moderation is key! And the hand holding can get out of control. At some point we need to take responsibility.

Tuscanystone said
on
April 17, 2009 at 6:49 am

Yeah, the warning is rather OTT, but I’d like to see calorie counts on all fast foods. We don’t have that here in UK. do you? Like how do you know how many cals are in that burger? lol

Tusc 🙂

Charlie said
on
April 17, 2009 at 7:31 am

Some restaurants do and some don’t. And the one above is indeed 4,800 calories.

Anonymous said
on
April 17, 2009 at 10:20 am

The biggest problem in America is stupidity. So why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself. -unknown

Ruth said
on
April 17, 2009 at 5:55 pm

My favorite labels are the ones telling you not to blow dry your hair in the bath-tub.

I agree with you. Too much coddling, not enough personal responsibility.