Hand Holding

I understand that a million different diet messages can make for some confusing times out there. The diet industry has never had a problem contradicting itself at any given time about what’s good, what’s bad, and what should simply be left alone. But I think there are a few things just about everybody can universally agree on. And one of them is that the burger pictured here is “not good for you.”

It weighs four pounds, comes on an eight-inch bun, clocks in at 4,800 calories, and a dietitian is asking ballpark owners to add a warning label to this thing. Sounds pointless to me. But I guess I should remember that this is the same society that requires a “do not eat” label on printer toner.

This hand-holding annoys me greatly. I’d like to think that there’s some sort of base level of competence we can target. You know, like, if it’s obvious to a fourth grader, you’re probably okay leaving off the “never iron clothes while they are being worn” sticker.

In this particular case, the dietitian wants this burger labeled “dietary disaster” that increases the risk of cancer and heart disease.

If there’s someone out there who thinks the four pound burger is health food, then this person is obviously a candidate for the Darwin Awards.

Plus, I don’t believe this burger causes cancer and heart disease and here’s why. Let’s say studies were done that determined that falling off a cliff was harmful to your health. Then some experts concluded you should never step off a curb. If you eat diets high in calories, saturated fat, and french fries constantly, then, yes, you’re probably in trouble. But if you head out to the ballpark once every few years and for fun you go in on this burger with a few friends and split it, then, no, you’re not going to immediately leave the ballpark on a stretcher.

This is just my long-winded way of saying “moderation.” And for those who argue that a 4,800 calorie burger isn’t “moderation” then I counter-argue that “moderation” doesn’t mean, “never ever ever having any fun whatsoever again.”

Besides, splitting this burger with a couple friends is no worse than a big Thanksgiving dinner. And I don’t see anyone campaigning to slap warning labels on turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes. Unless, of course, the label were to read, “Warning! Do not insert food directly into nostrils.”

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