Wow. A whole week between posts! How very strange. Not that that’s good or bad in and of itself—just different. I suppose it’s like breaking any sort of routine or habit. Like the week after finals or when they suddenly (and without warning) make you turn around and skate clockwise at the roller rink.

Did you miss me? I know all my spammers did. Especially this guy:

I’m really happy Mike thinks I write well and that I should write more about it. That’s what makes it all worth it.

Anyway, I’m back today. If you’re wondering what I did with all my copious amounts of free, non-blogging time this past week, I basically spent it at work. ’Nuff said.

If you’re wondering how the Magical Mystery Tour went this week, then you’ve definitely come to the right place. Today I wanted to talk about the difference between what’s ideal and what’s real. Ideality is getting that six-week term paper done four days after it was handed out. Reality is getting that six-week term paper done four minutes before you have to hand it in.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

The usual story. I’d love to say, “Gosh, why do these things keep happening to me?” But I can’t. Not when the answer lies close at hand in an empty box of Cheez-Its.

Here’s the usual chart. I think it’s official: I’m in a rut. Granted, I’d rather lose 27.857 pounds and be in a rut than lose 3.729 pounds and be in a rut. But a rut’s a rut no matter where you are. That being said, I haven’t gone back and looked at the big-picture graph lately, and I probably should. Right after I get back from the store, replenishing my Cheez-It supplies.

So what else didn’t go as planned? Well, in the 34 minutes a day I’m not at work, not in the car, and not sleeping, I thought I would move forward on the new book. (I did promise to tell y’all about it more. I haven’t yet. I will at some point.)

Exhibit A, the number of pages I was going to write:

Exhibit B:

All joking aside (okay, that wasn’t a joke) I did make some progress. But it’s all (what I call) research & development. No actual work on the book itself. Stay tuned for more details. Especially you, Mike. I know how much you like my writing.

Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve always considered myself slightly smarter than the average bear. I primarily watch history and science shows on television. I know off the top of my head that the gamma factor in relativity theory is equal to one over the square root of one minus v-squared over c-squared. And I can put my pants on all by myself.

But I have to admit there are a few things I’ve never understood and I don’t think I ever will. Here’s a partial list:

• How did Ebeneezer Scrooge get so rich when his entire job seemed to consist no more than of sitting in a dusty office writing lines in a book? Who actually paid him to do that and how rich was that guy?
• I’ve studied aeronautical engineering, have flown flight simulators, and had at least one real life airplane under my complete control for at least five minutes. I still don’t understand how air rushing over the top of the wing faster than the bottom makes it go up.
• Why does my car go 300 miles on the first half tank of gas and only twenty miles on the second half?
• Air molecules rushing into the vacuum formed by a lightning bolt simply cannot sound like thunder.
• Why can I have two entire weeks of eating around 2,000 calories a day or less, then on one day I accidentally eat 3,200 calories and I gain three and a half pounds overnight?
• And why can I get right back on the program and it takes another two weeks to lose it?
• Seriously … why?

Here’s what a great week looks like. Had I posted last Monday, instead of taking a lazy day off, you would have seen this chart:

I even hit 194 in there again. Then I go and eat too much that one stupid day. Just one day, mind you, and this is what happens:

Yeah, yeah. Probably too much salt. Probably retaining water. Probably bad karma. I’ve heard it all. So that doesn’t explain why hopping right back on the wagon for another week results in this. See? I was getting right back on track then BAM! it’s up again:

The worst part? Look at the net result of this two weeks:

Oh well. It’s not like I’m surprised. I mean, I’ve been at this for nearly twenty years now. It’s not like I haven’t seen weigh in weirdness before. So I just look at it this way: I’m still in Onederland. Plus, I did hit the 30 pound mark again (oddly enough on Day 300: something a numbers geek like me got a smile out of). And eventually I’ll think 194 is a big number. Even an old humbug like Scrooge would be impressed.