I tried, then slipped, then tried again, then slipped again. At least fifteen of the days since were spent on trips to three different cities—never a good thing for a diet. That said, on my last trip (just last week: hence the lack of posts), I really tried to eat light. For example, I’d order a side of potatoes or just toast for breakfast. Lunches would be small sandwiches and no chips. Dinners were (for the most part) equally austere. Sure, one or two meals were a little nicer than normal, but I really stuck at it; I really tried to prove to myself I wouldn’t let a little thing like business travel be an excuse to eat absolutely anything.

Got back and I weighed exactly what I weighed when I left. Granted, I wasn’t expecting miracles. I honestly didn’t think skipping a bag of Doritos would translate into ten lost pounds. But it was still a bit disheartening. Worse, since returning, I’ve actually gone back up a pound or two, right back to the most recent Day One number.

So . . .

What next? Well, for now, I think nothing. The Year of Failure continues and, for now, I’m just going to try to ride it out. The body does what the body does and rarely consults with us before coming to its decisions. This doesn’t mean “free for all” time. I’m not going to lose my head over it. But at the very least I’m going to try to stop pretending I’m actually on any sort of plan.

I’ll keep checking in each week. I may even post something odd on Thursdays. I may even introduce you to my other blog. So no worries, my two dozen fans, I’ll still be around for a while! Every last pound of me.

I may no longer be twelve (at least on the outside) and perhaps I’ve lost my right to claim a Do Over, but I’m not sure what else to do here. I have to face the fact that this current diet plan has landed on the “out” line: smack on a spot not covered by the rule book and therefore I’m starting over. It would be great, of course, to just be able to repeat the most recent play. Unfortunately, I have to start the game all over.

Last week I’d just gotten back from vacation and I wasn’t sure how things turned out. I concluded with, “it’s time to go get on that scale again and discover the truth. Tune in next week for the results.” Well, it’s next week and—well, there are your results. They’re bad and so I’m calling “do over.” So as much as it pains me to say it, here we go: Welcome to Day One #102.

Over the years, I’ve learned there are many pairs of terms which should simply never be used together in the same sentence. Here are just a few:

• Waterskiing, Shotguns
• Animal Shelter, Fireworks
• Chocolate Chip Cookies, Sauerkraut
• Chicago Cubs, World Series

Last, but certainly not least, on this list is, “Diet, Vacation.” I really hadn’t planned on having my last Day One and this trip overlap the way they did, but since when does life ever go as planned?

This week’s chart looks exactly like last week’s chart and for the exact same reason. I have no idea how I’m doing. Ten days on the road (and without a scale) as landed me in quite unfamiliar territory: I have no idea how my diet’s going. And as one of those people who weighs himself every day, rain or shine, I feel out of sorts.

My only real gauge is my intake. And, oddly enough, I think I did pretty well except for one particular day. I tried to watch what I was eating, I didn’t stop at every single Long John Silver’s I passed, and, in general, tried to keep every day to twelve meals or fewer. I think I did pretty well.

I think.

So now it’s time to go get on that scale again and discover the truth. Tune in next week for the results.

It’s funny sometimes how memory works (or doesn’t work). My general recollection of this last Return to Onederland trip is all rainbows and unicorns: at 224 pounds, I made up my mind to lose weight, then two or three weeks later, I hit 194 pounds.

Okay, so that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but the truth is the brain is very good at glossing over pesky little details such as weeks like the one outlined below where things weren’t going as well as they could. I remember well the weeks where I lost six pounds. I tend to forget the months where I only lost four (or fewer).

So this little slap of reality is encouraging, full knowing that in spite of a perceived slow-down, I did lose another twenty pounds after this. And who cares if it took longer than a week.

This post is also notable for reintroducing my trademark graphs. Don’t worry, I’ll start doing those again too!

Original Post Date: September 1, 2008

I only say that because it has been worse. But it also could be a lot better, that’s for sure. But before I get into all that, let’s catch up on the last thirty-six days. I’m woefully behind in that area and I know that the planet is simply dying to know how 1.54×10^-10 of its citizenry is doing on his most recent attempt to lose weight.

My last Day One was July 28, 2008. I got seriously worried about my blood sugar (again) and decided (again) it was time to do something about it (again). I christened my latest voyage with these inspiring words.

So this is it folks. I’m back on! Nothing can stop me now. Except maybe Cheez-Its. No, no, … seriously. Nothing can stop me now.

For those of you who just want to update your scorecards and get right back to discussing oil prices and hot vice presidential candidates, here’s the chart:

Additionally, my blood sugar levels are now as low as my 401(k) balance and I’m always glad to see those numbers go down. (The blood sugar, that is, not the crappy market performance of the last fifteen months.)

The reason things could be better is also shown in the graph. Sure, it’s a great feeling to lose six pounds in six days. It’s not quite as fun spending the next thirty days losing a paltry additional four. I can do a lot better than four pounds per month. Besides, I don’t really count the first six since that was my vacation weight. I’ve always been lucky that vacation pounds, for me, drop faster than my 401(k) balance. It’s losing the real pounds that’s hard–even harder than getting this market to turn around. But, I’ve learned to take what I can get. It could be worse.

Next week: “Words of Ill Omen”

1. When a friend presents you with a box of Cheez-Its, do you…

1. Politely refuse with, “No thank you! I’m watching my girlish figure!”
2. Take a handful, because, well, you know, mustn’t be rude?
3. Take a hand off as you embark upon a shark-like feeding frenzy?

2. Your coworkers bring three dozen Krispy Kreme donuts to work (and they’re still warm). Do you…

1. Politely refuse with, “No thank you! I’m watching my girlish figure!”
2. Watch and drool as others partake, greatly tempted to grab one for yourself, yet you somehow resist?
3. Shout, “Hey, look! There goes Elvis!” then grab thirty for yourself as all heads turn?

3. Your family takes you to Red Robin (home of the “Bottomless Fries” basket) to celebrate a minor event (such as the arrival of Friday). Do you…

1. Order a salad with extra spinach and a teaspoon of dressing (on the side, of course)?
2. Get your usual meal but save half of it for lunch tomorrow?
3. Cause Red Robin’s stock price to plummet as you deplete their current fiscal year’s supply of potatoes?

4. You wake up one morning absolutely starving. Do you…

1. Fix two pieces of whole wheat toast with a light coating of I Can’t Believe This Cheap Substance Isn’t An Actual Dairy Product?
2. Eat a Strawberry Pop-Tart?
3. Cause Cap’n Crunch’s stock price to soar as your breakfast actions exceed analysts’ third quarter estimates?

5. On the opposite end of the day, it’s eleven o’clock and you’re about to go to bed. But for some inexplicable reason, you’re still hungry. Do you…

1. Brush your teeth and hit the sack, full knowing that filling your belly right before sleep is the worst possible thing you can do?
2. Eat a Strawberry Pop-Tart?
3. Build yourself a four-foot-tall Dagwood Sandwich in the hopes that in doing so just this once, you might fill yourself up for a week and therefore actually turn this disaster into a positive experience?

Give yourself one point for every “a” answer, two points for every “b” answer, and three points for every “c” answer. How do you rate…?

0 — You are amazing. You shall weigh 80 pounds the rest of your life.
1 to 17 — Not bad but could be a little better. Try cutting down on the time you spend awake.
18 to 155 — Not only is your Switch in the “off” position, it’s actually been disconnected by the utility company.

At the end of week one, I find myself with a quiz score in the eleven to thirteen range. I’m definitely no longer eating twenty-seven thousand calories of Pringles each week, but I’m still not what I would consider “on”. Yet. That said, I did find myself at a Dairy Queen two nights ago and I ordered: nothing. Yes, even with the Blizzard’s Twenty-Fifth Anniversary in full force, I celebrated with a sixteen ounce cup of air. So at this point, a couple days into Week Two, I will go with “cautiously optimistic?”

How about you? How’d your quiz score turn out?