Now I’m quite aware of the issues surrounding this particular restaurant chain. The food sucks, it’s unhealthy, there are environmental issues, the food sucks, etc. But remember, I’m talking about the McDonald’s located at 1407 Memory Lane, Anytown, USA. When you’re eight years old, it’s a completely different story.

And speaking of a story…

McDonald’s was started by … well, the McDonalds, believe it or not. Dick and Mac McDonald created the restaurant in 1940 and had a small franchise of several stores by 1954. It was around that time that a milkshake mixer salesman named Ray Kroc stopped by. He took one look at the place and said, “I bet I could open thirty thousand of these restaurants across every continent and sell a hundred freakin’ billion hamburgers. In fact, I bet I could even get Willard Scott to dress up like a clown too. How much do you want for the place?!” The brothers agreed to sell and the rest is history. (Little known fact: The reason Ray Kroc was such a genius is because he attended my high school.)

About twenty years later, I started attending McDonald’s fairly regularly, myself. I was pretty radical at the time too: always ordering a burger, fries, and shake. (I know! Livin’ on the edge.) My earliest memory of the food was, “Wow. This stuff tastes good.” And it’s not by chance either. That stuff is genetically engineered to taste like a little slice of greasy heaven.

Which is probably why now, another thirty years later, I’m still lovin’ it. I know it’s wrong, but I really can’t help it. Big Macs, Filet o’ Fish, Quarter Pounder, French Fries. Icy Coke, Thick Shakes, Sundaes, and Apple Pies. They have it all.

[This is the part where someone from McDonald's Corporation reads my blog and sends me a giant stack of $5 Gift Certificates.]

But as much as I like the Big M Supper Club, I am an adult and I realize that food—no matter what it tastes like—isn’t what I need. If I go three times a year, I’d be surprised. And in fact, I think that might just keep the food special. If I had it once a month (or once a day) it probably just wouldn’t be the same.

So go ahead. The comment form is below. Hit me with it. Tell me I’m bad and evil and deserve ten lashes with a soggy french fry. Or be brave. Come out of your McCloset and join me. Let’s find a McD’s and I’ll even lend you one of those free gift certificates. They should be coming any day now.

Yep. Any day now.

We’ve all seen these ads. Everywhere. Anyone using Google AdWords on a web site that just happens to utter the word “weight” is going to get these delivered up in spades:

Like a lot of visual noise on the web, it didn’t take long for me to tune these out. But after I realized they weren’t going away any time soon, I started to look at them more closely. Aside from the fact that they all use the same basic message (and the graphical versions all seem to be endorsed by every major American broadcast network) the domain names caught my eye:

• BrianasWeightLoss.com
• LisasWeightLoss.com
• JennysDiet.com
• TracysDiet.com
• AnnasDietBlog.com

Hmmm… See a pattern? That’s right. They’re really sucky domain names. C’mon! We know we’re all a little more creative than that. For kicks, I clicked on a few and found out—wow—they’re all the exact same blog. Oh sure, they have different graphics and different text. But they’re generally the exact same template and they’re all pushing the exact same product: the miracle Acai Berry.

It’s kind of sad, really. Even more so than the Pink Patch because this is about as deceptive as it gets. They’re fake blogs written by marketing people trying to suck you into buying a product because it’s being promoted by “one of us.” They even go so far as to add fake comments, cleverly written to look like random people. Of course, by the time you get there, the comments are closed. Gee, imagine that.

I guess my only advice this week is: think before you click. I hope most of us can spot these things a mile off. But I know some people will always get sucked into it. I hate to repeat my message from four weeks ago but I think it’s worth getting the word out.

And dang. I just realized I forgot to be funny today.

First and foremost, it’s not a “diet book.” It’s not an if-I-can-do-it-anyone-can-do-it weight loss plan for the masses. It’s my story and (most likely) your story too (if you’re anything like me and Roni). Since publishing, I’ve found the book’s biggest obstacle is convincing people it’s not a diet book. (Which, now that I think about it, would have been a better title.) My website disclaimer also applies to the book:

All content is the opinion of the author. This site book is primarily for entertainment purposes only. Nothing here should be construed as sound medical advice. Charlie Hills is not actually an expert at anything. Please ignore him.

Sure, it gets informative from time to time. And perhaps even thought-provoking, if I’m not careful. But it’s really meant to be a light, fun, laugh-along-with-yourself read. Something I think this industry needs. Just like my blog, it will not make you go out and lose weight. But you may think about losing weight in an ever so slightly different manner. Maybe even up to three hours after finishing the book.

So hopefully that helps a little. More reviews can be found here and here.

And Now For the Winners!

I regret that the butterflies escaped and I had to resort to random.org to select the winning comments. Once I removed my sisters and Tom Rooney from the running, I was still left with a good sized batch of contestants. Thank you all for taking the time to comment. It does mean a lot to me.

The first winner is Comment #18 Tammy who bravely came out of lurkdom just for a chance to win. It paid off, Tammy!

And our second winner is #34 txdona who said she was feelin’ lucky. And yes, it’s a complete coincidence she lives in my home town. Me saving money on postage is serendipity.

Please contact me by the end of the week so I can get your address details. Just use the “Ask Charlie” form, found on the right.

And Now For Everyone Else

Hopefully if you wanted the book last week you might still want it this week. If so, you may purchase the book from any of these fine establishments. Remember, too, the holidays are upon us. The book makes a great gift!

• Easiest (and cheapest): Amazon.com
• Amazon Alternative: Barnes & Noble Online
• On the shelf: BookPeople in Austin
• Special orders, signed copies, etc: Ask Charlie

Or is it?

My dearest Fridgers, I give you the grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Why? Because there’s no food so perfect that you can’t grill it and make it even perfecter. A bratwurst? Grill it. Steak tartare? Grill it. Graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate? Grill it. And yes, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich too.

So let’s walk through the steps required to bring this miraculous thing of beauty to your lips. [Hey, Charlie! What gives? A grilled PB&J? And what was that last week: salami on toast? And what else did I read on these pages? A fifty pound cheeseburger? The fatty melt? I thought you were on a diet. And even more, I thought you were trying to help us. You call this help? This is torture!] I’m sorry, sir. Please hold all questions until the end of the tour.

Let’s begin with the basic ingredients: peanut butter, jelly, bread, and a big tub of I Can’t Believe This Is That Cheap Butter Substitute:

And carrots too. See? It’s healthy! Now, the first step is to grab the jar of peanut butter. Before you open it, however, take a look at the jar and see if you can guess how much peanut butter you have. Looks full, don’t it?

Nope! That’s the First Law of Peanut Butter: you always have less peanut butter than you think. I highly recommend always having two jars on hand. (Or, conversely, always having your hand in two jars.)

Now grab a knife and spread the butter across the bread, like so:

Next is, of course, the jelly. Wonderful, wonderful grape jelly. Theoretically, you could use a different flavor. Of course, theoretically, you could make a peanut butter and Crisco sandwich too. But that would be wrong.

The next step is crucial: clean off the damn George Foreman grill, will you? It’s gross. You’ve probably cooked bacon on it eighteen times in a row, always telling yourself you’ll clean it “tomorrow.” Well, guess what? It’s finally tomorrow. Scrape away:

Now butter one side of the bread and set it butter-side-down on the grill. Right after that, butter the opposite side while you still have a fighting chance:

Lookin’ good so far!

You may have heard the ugly rumor that peanut butter is high in fat. I’m afraid, my friends, this is indeed true. While it does fall in the “good” fat category (due to its nutty origins) it’s still fat and therefore packs a whollop when it comes to calories. But good news is close at hand in the form of a “Fat Reducing” machine. That’s right, kids. Just put the sandwich on the grill and while it’s cooking, Advanced Magical Foreman Technology sucks fifty percent of the fat right out of the food and sends it to your neighbors.

Let the sandwich cook until it looks nice and toasty. At this point the peanut butter and jelly will have gone through a nuclear fusion process, where the peanut butter atoms have bonded to the jelly atoms to produce a new element: Peanutbutterandjellium. It’s in the Carbon group and has an atomic weight of delicious.

Caution: the sandwich you are about to enjoy is extremely hot. (Ha ha! Now you can’t sue me.) But you can send me money—which is exactly what you’ll feel compelled to do when you bite into sandwich perfection.

Oddly enough, the next morning began with another rousing chorus of I Got You, Babe. The day only grew more strange from there as I quickly realized it was the exact same day as yesterday. The next day was the same. And the day after that. And the day after that…

I’ll tell you one thing. There’s nothing like being on a diet that makes you feel like Phil Connors in Groundhog Day. Day after day, week after week: the same thing. It’s enough sometimes to make you want to buy more life insurance from an old high school buddy.

For me last week looked a lot like the previous week, but without the Sonny & Cher. On the upside, I not only reversed last week’s three-pound gain, but hit a new low of 204.5. So, of course, I had no other choice but to pig out on Saturday night and ruin it all. Again.

The upshot is that I’m technically down two pounds from the previous week. But since last week ended on a mysterious three pound weight gain, I still feel behind. BUT we shall not forget the most important point of all. It’s November 17 and I’m still at 206. When I think of all the other ways this week could have gone horribly wrong, I don’t feel too bad about the outcome. And I did hit a new low, so that’s encouraging.

After all, Phil’s auto-repeat day finally came to a happy ending, right?