Cheeseburgers

Welcome to the final part of my Four Part Series entitled, “The Four Food Groups.” As a quick review, the first three food groups were: Italian Food, Mexican Food, and Chinese Food. Last week I asked y’all to guess what the fourth food group might be. Pizza was a good choice, but I kinda rolled that up into Italian. (To be perfectly honest, breakfast was my favorite guess and I may just have to turn that into a fifth food group someday!)

I really don’t believe nature created a more perfect food than the cheeseburger. As much as I love pizza and chicken planks and tacos and sesame chicken and peanut butter banana sandwiches, there’s just something about this wonder food that can’t be touched. It can be shrunk down to an appetizer. It can be enlarged to world-record contest proportions. You can find it at any greasy spoon. And done right, it can be turned into haute cuisine. Spend as little or as much time with it as you like, and you’ll always end up with the perfect meal.

That’s not to say you can’t screw ’em up. Oh, I’ve had some bad, bad cheeseburgers in my life. Most of them go wrong for the same basic reasons: overcooked, no taste, dry, burnt, or just plain blah. A little piece of my soul dies each time I encounter one of these duds. But man! Done right and you’ve got a little bit o’ greasy heaven on a bun. In fact, I’ve heard that every time a bell rings, an angel somewhere gets a cheeseburger.

Of course, no cheeseburger is complete without the proper accoutrements. It’s a flip of the coin whether I prefer fries or onion rings on any given day. Both have their advantages and neither has a disadvantage that I’ve ever yet come across. There’s only one way to fix the fries, and I call that thin or thick or crinkled or waffled or curly. They must be salted or seasoned. They must be hot. Very hot. I’m not sure of the exact temperature, but when you make the hooh-ho-haa-haa-haa-hooo-hooh sound, you know you’re there. I’m a bit pickier about my onion rings, though. I prefer the stringy kind and the less batter the better. In fact, “none at all” is the right amount for me. To see where I’m coming from, read John’s excellent post on the topic.

Lastly, to top it all off, you need a drink. I recommend coffee or hot chocolate. NOT. Actually, I don’t care what you drink but it better have bubbles and it better be icy cold. Whether it has sugar or alcohol (or sugar and alcohol) makes no difference. Just have something immediately at hand so you can deal with the aforementioned hooh-ho-haa-haa-haa issue.

So there you have it, folks! The complete Four Food Groups. In case you’re wondering what to have for dinner tonight, I definitely recommend some taco meat covered in marinara sauce and pepperoni, covered with a few heaping spoonfuls of fried rice, and topped with melted American cheese and served on a big bun with frings. You can’t go wrong.