Exercise Anywhere

This rerun is brought to you by the Number 3 and by the Letters “Writer’s” and “Block”. In April 2009, I did a virtual book tour. This is the post I wrote for Cranky Fitness. Although, since I never posted it here I suppose technically it’s not a rerun. And since you might have missed it anyway, it just might be brand new. So never mind.

Way back at the end of January 2009, I was contacted by NURU asking if I’d do a product review and/or giveaway. Can you imagine? A company trying to promote its products via the blogosphere! I mean, next thing you know people will start selling banner ads on the internet.

So I said, “Sure,” most likely placing me forever in their debt due to the fine print I missed on the verbal agreement. The product? “Exercise Anywhere” cards. According to the official blurb:

NURU’s Exercise Anywhere is for anyone who wants to improve their physique–regardless of whether they have access to a gym. Sized to fit in the palm of your hand, these 30 ultra-thin, waterproof cards provide innovative, “do-anywhere” cardio and muscle-strengthening exercises designed to get your blood pumping.

Hmmm… interesting idea, actually. Keep them in your pocket and you may just be inspired to exercise anywhere. I can’t fault them for that. It’s much better than the Eat Anywhere plan I’ve been on the previous twenty years.

To give you an idea of what the system is like, I thought I’d risk a bit of copyright violation to show you excerpts from the cards side by side with old Charlie here trying out the exercises.

First, the ever-popular situp. I was in the middle of working on the potato soup recipe when I decided adding more potatoes to my midsection was the last thing I needed.

The next day it was back to work. As I was running late for my first meeting of the day, I decided I really needed to do some lower back extensions. I dropped my bag and hit the floor. Ahhhh… that felt good.

About halfway through the meeting, I realized I was feeling a bit flabby and took a few minutes for some squats.

After the meeting I was hungry. Time to hit Vend-O-Land. As I scanned the veritable cornucopia of snackfoods before me, that nagging voice cried out once again, “You don’t need any more Cheez-Its!” Grumbling, I told my boss to shut up, and I took to the floor.

I made it through another heavy work week just in time to relax with a leisurely Saturday morning of mowing. I tell you, nothing breaks up the monotony of trimming the green with some exercising.

Hot and sweaty, I decided to cool down and clean up in the tub. At which point I realized I hadn’t done my bicycle crunches for the day!

Once up and dressed, it was time for a quick trip to the store to pick up a few things for dinner. Whilst perusing the rice and beans aisle, I decided upon the rice and a “Pike’s Pushup.”

Unfortunately, I got halfway home before realizing I forgot the one thing I went to the store for: the chicken. Rather than turn around and go back, I realized was just across the street from a McDonald’s. Stopped there, grabbing a quick bite followed by a quick set of table chin-ups.

I have to tell you, I didn’t believe them at first when they said I could exercise anywhere. How wrong I was. If you’re the type of person who never works out because you don’t have the equipment or the expensive gym membership, you now have no more excuses. Pick up a pack of these cards and just do it!

Plot? What Plot?

Post ImageTwo things amazed me about my writing progress last year: 1) that I was actually doing it; and 2) that I managed to write over four hundred pages without even the slightest hint of a plot. This is okay for forty pages or so, you know, just introducing the characters, setting, and what not. Maybe eighty if you’re particularly gifted with adjectives. Maybe even two hundred pages, if you have the luxury of forcing all your readers to enjoy your work at gunpoint. But never, ever four hundred pages.

Yes, yes, I realized I touched on all this in the last book update. Today I just want to dig into the whole concept a bit more.

Not every book actually needs a plot. Travel books, memoirs, dictionaries, — all of these have the ability to fill hundreds of pages without even the merest threat of a twist ending. However, unlike the other books I’ve written, this one is fiction. As I got to the point where I realized the book might never end, it dawned on me that I might not be the only one to notice the problem.

For one, books that never end are very expensive to print. But worse, books that never end are never read. And, like most writers, I’m definitely writing to be read. So what’s a struggling wannabe to do? Come up with a plot, of course.

Disclaimer: I’m not a complete idiot. I did know about this strange literary device called a plot before I started. And to be honest, I had one when I started. I wrote up an outline which looked okay when it was only seventeen lines. It wasn’t until I actually started writing, however, that I realized it was about as thin as butter scraped across too much bread. There was no way my piddly little idea could support the weight of an entire novel.

As I mentioned in the last post, I began work on a second book (or booklet). I worked on it for two days. It’s about ten thousand words long and told in the first person point of view. It fully fleshed out the backstory I needed to give the main story a sense of purpose. Once I had that, I officially abandoned the first draft and went back to the literary drawing board: the synopsis. (If you can’t tell a story in 500 words, you sure won’t do it in 500,000 words. Trust me.) This second pass of the synopsis is getting a lot closer to where I want to be. Still a ways to go, but closer (and in the right direction).

Even better — for you, that is — I may be ready to actually unveil some of this mystery when Update Three rolls around. Which means I’d better stop typing here and get back to the word processor.

Day 7200

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Remember this post? Hard to believe that was 200 days ago. Hard to believe I was safely in Onederland at that point. Hard to believe I was actually sticking to a plan for nearly a year. Hard to believe that today I’m twenty-three pounds heavier.

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Spam

Post ImageWay back in my own early days of e-mail, now nigh on two decades ago, I remember receiving an unsolicited, obviously bulk-sent, electronic mail message. I have no idea what it was for but I do know it just made me mad. “How unfair!” I thought. “Someone . . . anyone . . . can simply take my email address and send me as much crap as they feel like and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Except in those days we actually believed there was something we could do about. We were so young and naive: “We’ll just track that guy down and have his ISP shut off his account. Ha ha! That’ll teach ‘em. They’ll never send spam again!”

Well, two decades and eighteen quadrillion spam messages later, I don’t think the ISPs shut down those email accounts like we asked. It’s just a fact of life: spammers will continue to spam and our spam filters will continue to send it right into the trash. How efficient.

What bugged me first about it was indeed the invasion of privacy. What bugs me now about it is I find it embarrassing. Embarrassing, that is, for our species. If some advanced alien civilization looked down upon us, searching for any signs of intelligence, I sure as heck hope it doesn’t see this:

I don’t know about you, but to me, that’s humanity’s intellect at its finest. How’s that for someone trying to entice me (or my blog readers) to visit his web site? I’m sold! Or how about this one:

Four comments, right in a row, posted to the exact same blog post. Riveting. It’s pretty obvious what they’re selling, isn’t it? Oh, you mean you can’t tell from that gripping sales pitch? Here’s a hint: they’re small, blue, and for some insane reason, can be covered by insurance.

My next favorite breed of spam is the one with two completely different directions. How does this make sense, again?

This next one actually is a pretty good technique. The body of the spam is a compliment. Its sole purpose is to make you feel so happy that someone posted a comment that you’ll click on the link to see who it was. Then you’re left scratching your head at why Bad Credit No Problem is so enamored with your daily ramblings.

Lastly in the “Thanks, I think” category are comments like this:

And I blame you for this wonderful post. Please visit my site again soon. It just wouldn’t be the same without you, Mr. Spammy Robot.

Book One, Update Two

Post ImageI’m still surprised I made it as far as I did last year on the first draft of the manuscript. Back when I made my 2009 New Year Resolutions, I promised myself I’d finish the first draft by year’s end. And, back in January 2009, I actually thought that might happen. After all, I was already in my second month of writing and had a vast, expanse of time ahead of me. Twelve whole months! What couldn’t be done in twelve whole months?

Little did I know I’d be starting over during the year and wouldn’t begin writing again until August 1. Finishing a first draft by year’s end seemed mathematically impossible. NaNoWriMo helped me make up some serious time. By the end of the writing year (December 21) the draft hit 122,475 words. (I know that word counts can be a bit difficult to grasp: click here for a few reference points).

I didn’t begin writing again until January 5, when I added a whopping 159 words. The next day I did barely better, adding only 310 words. In short, things were getting pathetic: a far cry from NaNoWriMo days where my daily average was over 2,200 words. (And my most productive day was 7,453 words. Ahhhh, those were the days.)

The Heart of the Matter

The only thing more incredible than writing 122k words is writing 122k words without the slightest hint of a plot. About halfway through December, I changed the subtitle of the book to A Series of Uninteresting Events. The first draft was never intended to be close to a final anything. The characters are flat, which is okay. The imagery is weak; also okay. And I’ve held back on the frilly adjectives simply to make it through an entire story, which I could then go back and dress up later.

A particular someone I know is fond of making analogies to homebuilding. But there’s a good reason for that: building is a fundamental thing we humans do and building houses is easy for anyone to grasp. To use a homebuilding analogy for the book, think of my outline and synopsis as a blueprint. The first draft is the foundation and framing. At the end of this draft you have a pretty good idea of its shape, its purpose, and what the end product will look like. But it still needs drywall and paint and trim.

A solid frame without any paint and trim would be a terrible home. Similarly, a home with lots of nice paint and trim but a lousy foundation and frame would never be a place to live. A good book, like a good house, needs it all: it must be good through and through.

But when I wrote my 122,955th word on January sixth I realized the foundation and frame weren’t coming together. The book was more like a tunnel, aimlessly plowing into a mountain without any real purpose. I had to stop and rethink things. So I did something crazy over the weekend.

Something Crazy

What did I do? I started a second book. What? You heard me. And actually, it’s not as crazy as it sounds. What I began writing was a prequel, for lack of a better term. I realized that for the current story to come together I had a few too many unknowns to deal with. My synopsis simply didn’t have the detail I needed to explain what was happening. So I picked a character mentioned in the story, but not part of the story, and made him the first-person narrator in the prequel. In one day I wrote 34 pages, over 7,000 words, mapping out important pieces of the backstory in the detail I finally needed. It changed a lot: and in a good way. It was just what I needed.

It’s not done, of course, and I’ll likely never “finish” it. It’s simply an exercise. But a good one, and something I never saw coming. But in hindsight it makes sense. Because until I get down to the details, my brain just can’t properly formulate all the story elements. I have to create conversations and make people walk around. The bird’s eye view doesn’t work for me.

If all goes well, by the “Update Three” post my “Book Zero” will be behind me, my plot wall smashed down, and the first draft completed. If all goes really well, that will be long before December.